Conspiracy Theorists!

You know One is absolutely sick to the tip top of my head with all the conspiracy theories going around about anything.

One has tried to address a couple of conspiracies on this Web Log, one a few days ago and one a few  months ago about President of the United States commonly known as K.F.C. or was that K.F.J or something like that.

Well one thinks that the conspiracy theorists are behind everything! I mean how many of those bleeders were in the Twin Towers when they were hit? Well? How many? None! And how many of them were there when the Fuckishima nuclear power station exploded? None! Furthermore how many of them were there when that fool Timothy McVie blew up that large government building in that movie 'Oklahoma?' Again None!

Women in Show Business

Famous Enduring Women

You know one has been hearing alot recently about women in show business.

The general idea seems to be that the Hollywood studios take em in when they are young, stick em in a couple of films for cinema and then get rid of em in favour of the next new thing to hit the town. Or if they last a few more years than that they end up playing stereotypical roles once they get beyond the age of twenty-five, usually this is the role of a mother of two cute little bastardly children.

Iphone 5: Review

Those decent jonnies at Apple Inc had the wherewithal to send me one of their new Iphones for me to cast my opinion on.

One has to say that one was not as impressed as with the previous version. This was related mainly to issues of weight.

The previous incarnation was 20% heavier. As you can imagine this meant that when I threw the new Iphone 5 at some passing Gypsies when it hit one of them it caused less of an injury than the previous one did. Admittedly, I was able to throw it slightly further but one considers the distance in length was affecting the accuracy of my shot; the further away the target the more diffucult it is to hit. So whilst I was aiming to hit the eldest Gypsy child I actually hit her blasted mother instead.

How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!

In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

This is the real reason why the Twin Towers Fell:

Two Godzilla shaped Conspiracy Theorists thought their

Conspiracy was better than the bla bla bla....

Got this air-tight, tip-top conspiracy theory as to what actually happen on 9/11 in those dreadful events in New York, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania back in 2001.

It's a very controversial theory but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself.

Some codger called Bin Laden, who was in possession of large amounts of anger management issues, told a few of his cohorts to fly aeroplanes into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

The cohorts promptly jumped on a few aeroplanes, wrestled control of the things from the pilots and then flew them into the Twin Towers, the Hexagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

Pepsi Challenge

Cola Challenge

Was skulking along the blasted high street in Chipping Norton this afternoon when I was accosted by a tall attractive woman asking me if I wanted to take the Pepsi Challenge.

Always up for a chance to win some money I took her up on the offer.

She presented me with two cans of chemically coloured sugary water (can't beat a bottle of the old Chablis you know) and told me to chose which one suited my taste.

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids

Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.

Todd Akin: 'Women Don't Get Pregnant'

Doesn't Have Womb, Does Have Arse-Hole

Well Lawks-a-lordy I didn't know that! Some ghastly politico in the U.S.A. named Todd Akin has just revealed that rape victims don't get pregnant...

Apparently women's bodies are more intelligent than their brains and can choose whether or not to have a child conceived through non-consensual sexual intercourse. What is more women are not aware of this..... In fact nobody was except Todd Akin and presumably God too.

Well that's OK then isn't it!! So the purported-sex-pest-Assange doesn't have to face sexual assualt charges in Sweden any longer as the silly arse never endangered any of the women he is accused of fiddling with.

Also, by the logic of Akin, he wouldn't suffer pain if a mugger kicks him in his wedding tackle and he won't have to get diarrhoea if a penny pinching restaurant skimps on the cleaning duties and gives him food poisoning.

Furthermore, he won't bleed if a twit with a knife stabs him and finally he won't drop dead either if a burglar shoots the bleeder between the eyes.

Young People and Moral Values

Moral Mission

What is it all for hey? I mean one has tried to be good but the youth of today just don't get it?

For example, I was cursed with the necessity of having to go into a shop this morning! Yes that's right the blasted servant strike is still on.

Anyway the youth behind the counter greeted me with 'Awrigh mate?'

Mate? I'm not his wretched mate! Wouldn't be seen dead with that sort in the vicinity.

Modern youth have no guiding principles any more! It's a disgrace! That's what the church was for don cha know, to guide people to give em a firm foundation in life. But not any more eey gads man by heavens not at all.

No when I was a youngster it was totally different! I was guided by strong principles and values based upon peace, tolerance wisdom, respect and love. They made me the man that I am today!

Furthermore, it was this background which gave me the courage and fortitude necessary to fight in the war and hold myself together without losing my mind.

If it wasn't for all this I would never have been able to undertake innumerable peace missions throughout the world against tyranny and oppression. These peace missions brought justice, equality and the rule of law to everybody in the form of literally hundreds of thousands of tons of high explosive bombs dropped on their trains, train stations, residential areas, schools, hospitals churches and heads.

50 Shades of Grey: Review

Mild Walk in the Park

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E.L.James set largely in the American city of Skidadle, it traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. 

Apparently this book is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism or BDSM as Lady Dooms-Patterson calls it. 

Well I've read this novel and I can tell you now that there's no more BDSM in this novel than what I used to get when I was at school in Harrow.

Lethal Drone Hits America

Drone

This is the weapon that everybody fears all around the world.

It is a drone that holds no mercy killing and maiming indiscriminately without feeling or empathy to all who stumble upon it.

It's methodology is simple. It hovers around for years on end until it can find a gap in the television schedules and then it inserts itself into that gap and hogs the screen for as long as possible.

F##KS NEWS...

Liberal Thinking

Just watched an American Telly Channel programme called Fucks News. 

Who do these bounders think they are? One inferred nothing but bias, ignorance, stupidity, lopsided stories, skewed interpretations of events and numerous fools talking about themselves.

I'm sorry but if these people are trying to be worse than me then they've got another thing coming! I'm not standing for it! My narrow minded opinions are worse than anybody elses on the entire planet! 

If they think they can be worse than me then bring them here! I'll give em short shrift don cha know!

I can't stand anybody and I don't care who knows! In fact I wouldn't want anybody to vote for me in an election. Can't stand the thought of being liked!

Next thing you know the Grande Levee come up to you asking for your autograph on toilet paper. I tell em to stick it up their arses!!

Madonna Tit

Showed a Tit and is a Tit

That blasted woman Madonna is at it again.

Not contented with boring the entire planet senseless with her one-trick pony career for the last thirty thousand years she’s now exposing her micro-bosom to everybody on tour! This woman is clearly on Crystal Meths.

It’s a disgrace! Doesn't she have a moral compass? She's a right tit! (which incidently was what she was exposing) This woman needs to be taught a lesson but you just can't reason with people like that.

Scientology, Tom Cruise., Ray Bans & Constipation

Not Suffering from Ray Ban Induced Constipation

Just worked out why people who wear Ray Ban sunglasses look so miserable all the time.

It’s because they’re all suffering from constipation. Why had I not seen it before?

It explains why they all only answer questions with one word: it's the pain!

Well if these fools spent less money on pointlessly ultra-expensive things to cover their miserable fatuous faces with than decent nosh and a few sachets of immodium they wouldn’t have such constipationally induced pains in their arses. Which is exactly what most of these people are!

As far as I'm concerned they can stick their blasted sunglasses up their huge horrible hairy malodorous backsides!

Laos; Hilary Clinton Flies In.

Clearing her Bombs

Been reading about Hilary Clinton visiting south east Asia.

Apparently the Yankee fellows dropped so many bombs on the gooks in that place it is officially  the most bombed place in the world per capita.

Also not all the ordinance detonated either! Every year dozens of the locals get blown to smithereens by unexploded bombs and they are not too chipper about it. They want Uncle Sam to foot the bill for the clearing up operation as its horrendous and will take years but i’ve got a faster, cheaper solution. Here it is

1) Get a load of bombers.
2) Load em all up with hundreds of thousands of tons of high explosive bombs
3) Fly the bombers over the affected areas
4) Drop the bombs
5) Get the blazes out of there pronto

If that doesn’t stop the locals getting blown to pieces by unexploded ordinance nothing will.

As you were.

Mitt Romney in Sex Scandal Sensation?

Only Fucks Wife

Just want to give my halfpenny worth regarding the Republican party candidate for the post of President of the United States of America, Mitt Romney.

Any rumours of a sex scandal with this man are completely false. This man is a family man with great children and a vast investment portfolio to support them.

His cheer and happiness are there to see for all the world. Why would he embark on an extra-marital affair?  One has never seen such a happy candidate running for this top job.

Global Warming & Wind Farms

What in Beelzebub’s balls is the world coming to?

Just look at this picture! Look at it. It’s a sign that mankind has finally flipped it’s lid.

It’s a photo of something called a wind farm. Apparently it is going to help stop global warming.

Now I may have an arse for a brain but you’re not going to cool down the planet with huge farms of fans blowing cold air everywhere are you?!

I mean how much electricity do these thing use in order to power them? It’s bloody lunacy!

No if you want to cool down the planet just get everyone to leave their fridge doors open over night. I wish people would ask me about these things you know.

Rupert Murdoch Hates the English

Look at the horns on his head!!

Right then! So Murdoch hates the English! He doesn't give a shit about us!

Sounds to me like the baby has thrown the dummy out of the pram. 

The man says he can make more money in the United States with his Fucks News Corporation.

OK.. goodbye then.

In the meantime he can take his blasted money, stick it up his arse, then some more up his son's arse, then up his wife's arse and then up Rebekah Brookes' arse, then I'd like to see them all give a shit after that!!!

Transgender?!!

Peculiar Voice

My God what is the world coming to!? It transpires that there is a pervert in my condominium?! 

I thought there was something wrong with her the moment I met her at a function the other evening whilst I was attempting to get her up to my room.

Her voice was a bit strange, she was a little tall and she had B.O. Turns out she was a HE!

My God man what is going on?! He started boasting about his gender reassignment. The only reassignment I could think of was concerning his face!!

Reassignment indeed! In my day there was only one to do with his kind! Cut off his wedding tackle! That's the only language his/her/their sort understand!

Rupert Murdoch in Sordid Sex Shame Shenanigans Scandal

That Woman Murdoch Has Frequent Sex With

One of my sources has just told me that Rupert Murdoch is secretly having sex on a regular basis with a woman in his private apartment.

The woman is said to be young enough to be his grand daughter. It's a disgrace!!!

One of Murdoch’s earlier wives has refused to comment on the matter saying that after their marriage was over it really was none of her business whom Rupert chose to have sexual intercourse with.