Rebekah Brooks Not in Back Door Sex Scandal

Walks Up Hills Only

Just writing to give my support to Rebekah Brooks, disgraced former editor of The Sun and currently awaiting trial for attempting to pervert the course of justice in England.

There are many rumours about this attractive woman one of which concerns the perverse activity of bum sex. 

I mean it just can't be true that this English rose spends her free time taking it in the back door! She is far too innocent looking for her to be a turf-hurdler.

This woman was one of the watchers who kept her eye on those in power all these years so One can't begin to believe she into Penalty Shoot-outs.

The Higgs-Boson Particle

God's Particles

I've thought it wise to try to explain to the 'Grande Lavee' what the meaning of the Higgs-Boson particle is. Well it's complex but one will attempt to explain through analogy.

First of all one needs a Large Hadron Collider. This is represented by a large empty glass.

Then you add your particles. In this case the atomic particles will be represented by a large pouring of gin. 

Then you accelerate the 'particle' to a speed close to that of the speed of light. This is represented by a generous helping of tonic.

Then to represent Switzerland you add ice but only if there is room left in the glass.

Once this is done you drink the lot in one go. Do this several times to represent the smashed particles. After about three hours of this one will find that the entire universe has lost it's structure and you will be able to see everything in a different way. 

That will be the God particle for you.

Piers mOrgan is a Wanker?

Not a Total Arse

Just writing to give moral support to Piers Morgan. It matters not one not that his monstrous betrayal of the British army in Iraq exacerbated the already tense situation there.

Nor that his complete lack of popularity in England forced him to scurry away to the United States of America.

No sir by Jimeny it does not. Despite being labelled many defamatory names I like him and I don’t think he is a tosser at all. No this is a good man.

Neither is he a wanker nor an arse-wipe. He has done so much to help the needy, just look as Susan Boyle.

The Servants Strike Back

Pagan Swine!

Good God look what those damn Servants have done! They think that because they are still on strike they can write this sort of verbiage on one's walls.

Well one is not going to stand for it! It's a disgrace! What is one going to do with these people?

Don't they know there is a hyphen between the 'Ware' and the 'Armitage'?

If the pagan swine are going to impugn my reputation they could at least get the grammar right.

Shit Creek with a Paddle

Looks a Right Tosser?!

Look at this photo! Just look at it!! This is the new sport of choice Paddle Surfing.

Hasn't this fool got anything better to do with his life?

It must be an example of the first sport where the equipment used actually goes slower than what it was originally designed for! It's like storing your fridge in the blasted oven!

I could have shat a better sport than this! In fact that is probably going to be the next 'new sport' Shit blasting. Everyone bends over and tries to crap further than everybody else.

In fact I've got an even better sport than that. Paddle-surfer shooting! Just shoot the bleeders partaking in paddle-surfing. Then I'd like to see how fast they can paddle after the first one gets it. Also I'd make em paddle in shark-infested waters.

Then they'd really wish they were up shit creek without a paddle.