Monthly Horoscope: Libra

The Ware-Armitage horoscope: Libra

With Saturn entering the venus transitional phase cycle and the sun shining out of Uranus this is a time to do those things that ought to have shown the way for all the same.

A transient cycle between Capricorn and Western-Super-Mare will result in a tired feeling all the rest of the day and possibly for older Librans a large coronary.

It is important that at this one time in the year in order to do the necessary things that will facilitate it.

But take heed to do the right thing here as this will mean the wrong thing is too much about nothing even if none of them will show what way it is impossible to work.

Do this at your leisure or that big homosexual will do that thing that he promised to do over the last six months

Remember that libra is the sign to show that all the others signs are there too in order to demonstrate that it is a time of when there should not be so much.

For further details call the Ware-Armitage hotline at no less than £20.00 per minute.

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

S.P.W.A - v - Armani

Would you buy clothes from this man?

S.P.W.A. was walking along the street this morning

W.A.G.   was walking in the opposite direction

S.P.W.A. and W.A.G. were on collision course.

S.P.W.A. moved a little to the left

W.A.G.   remained on course

S.P.W.A. moved a little more to the left

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. moved back to the right a little

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. aligned his briefcase with W.A.G.’s shopping bag

W.A.G.   kept on course

S.P.W.A. increased speed

W.A.G.   kept on course obviously thinking she had divine right to use the pavement willy-nilly

S.P.W.A.’s briefcase was laden with personal documents and six house bricks.

W.A.G.   was carrying large paper bag with ’Armani’ written upon it.

S.P.W.A. knew what was coming

W.A.G.   didn't

S.P.W.A.s’ briefcase connected with W.A.G.s shopping bag.

W.A.G.s’ shopping bag entered lower Earth orbit earlier this afternoon

S.P.W.A. pisses himself laughing

W.A.G    starts blabbering some incomprehensible claptrap typical of that sort of non-recommendable person.

S.P.W.A. - 1 ..... Armani - O

Intercontinental Ballistic Incontinence

Cure for Incontinence

As a person gets old that person starts losing full control of their bodily functions, for example copious quantities of wind being audibly released into atmospheres at social functions, dinner parties, evening balls, culinary soirees, polite company and all that sort of thing.

Of course great gargling gas emissions are just the tip of the ice-berg don cha know! Other people actually defecate in their own clothes! This actually happened to Great Uncle Whoopsie Ware-Armitage at The Palace circa 1927 when an accidental blast tore a whole right through his undergarments and trousers!

Well it need not happen ever again! No Sir by Jimeny it need not! For one has devised a super tip-top way to be rid of this blight upon human dignity once and for all.

That's right a cure ballistic incontinence. Not only that but the cure is so easy it'll make one an overnight millionaire!

It's simple, all one has to do is the following;

1) Obtain a long list of sufferers.

2) Confiscate all their trousers and underpants.

3) Pass a law forbidding these people from wearing below the navel garments. 

Then the next time they lose control of their solid waste expulsion musculature it all falls onto the floor or gets blasted onto the nearest wall of the post office leaving them standing there without beshitten undergarments.

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......

Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.