Valentine's Day Bandwagon

Valentine's Day Abomination!

Good God Look at this shit! Is this what passes as a Valentines day message of love, mutual understand, trust and all that crap? 

These Valentine's Day Cards are a disgrace and I'll tell you why. It's because they cost 70p for a pack of ten. 

Well what is the point of buying ten Valentine's Day Cards? I mean one only has four girlfriends so the other six are a complete waste of money! 

Alien Abduction!

Vomit

Had the fright of my life last night when I was abducted by spacemen.

One has read about this sort of thing happening to plebes, scum, trailer trash, poor people and fools but one had dismissed it as hogwash. The product of delusion, mistaken identity or idiocy but not any longer no sir by Jimeny it is true.

One was terrified! So what happened? Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?

Then as one was walking back to the estate one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase as the old legs suddenly gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.

And that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact direction of the road. Then two bright blue lights just above those started flashing and rotating. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like woooowwwww.

One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I tried to shout at them ’get lost filth I know where you live’ but it came out all slurred and unintelligible as these alien trash were obviously tying to hypnotise me!

I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up off the floor whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonnafuk indoyouover atthe stashun cahnt’

One then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer.

Then everything went dark and the next thing I knew I was lying in the ditch just outside the police station covered in bruises where I had obviously fought off the alien attack! It was a good thing the filth.. err sorry the police were close at hand to fend these beings off otherwise God knows what would have happened!

Downton Abbey: The Truth

Only sort of language servants understand

Just witnessed ’Downton Abbey’ an independent television production concerning the goings on of one of the lesser classes in a tiny country house circa 1930s Britain.

Apparently the production values of the series have attempted to mirror in detail the exact feeling, lifestyle and attitudes of that era in order to show people of today what yesteryear was like.

Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.

Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.