How to Help A Man in Quicksand.

Speaks English

Quicksand! Yes quicksand its everywhere and you never know when you may find yourself caught in it or indeed stumble across a fellow up to his waist in it and unable to get out without assistance.

So I've come up with this marvellous strategy to follow in order to deal with a chap, any chap, who finds themselves sinking and needs help.

So imagine you turn a corner off your local high street and right before you is a man quickly sinking in quicksand and is calling for help. Let's imagine he has a name, err... off the top of my head let's call him Piers mOrgan. What's the first thing to do?

Danish Giraffe Murder & EU Hypocrisy

EU Giraffe

I'm writing to express my monstrous disgust at the way in which a giraffe called Marius was treated at Copenhagen Zoological park in Denmark recently.

Apparently the animal had to be murdered in cold blood as it was contravening EU regulations on interbreeding. 

Selfies: A Modern Disgrace!

Needs to be alone.

Just heard about the craze that is going up and down the nation, every nation, about 'Selfies' I heard that even President Barak Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron were seen giving themselves selfies at the commemoration of the death of Admiral Nelson Mandela

I don't know about you but I find this to be absolutely disgusting! If people want to give themselves a selfie then the least they can do is do it in private under the bed or in the study. Really I think it's an absolute disgrace! What is even worse is that people apparently take photographs of themselves whilst they are doing it! This is an abomination!

E=mc²: An Explanation for the Layman.

E=g&t²

In reality life is very simple but due to modern educational theories people perceive their lives to be more and more complex. That's the trouble with socialism if you ask me; too many questions and not enough thrashings. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, this morning some bodkin approached me upon the high street and bet me five bob that I would be unable to explain Einstein's famous equation E=mc². Always up for a challenge I proceeded to the nearest bar to work this one out. So here it all is. 

One Direction ...

Pan

Just been reading about a band called One Direction. They are all about eight years old and dressed as if they were Nancy Sinatra. This isn't a band at all this is paedophile fodder!

I've spoken about this sort of thing before with as equally a dreadful little boy called Justin Briber, it's disgusting!

Youngters like this shouldn't be poncing around on a stage exposing themselves to gangs of paedophiles they should be in school learning to use the slide-rule or studying trigonometry,