Dying for the Weekend

Have a nice weekend

Just heard on the wireless that you are more likely to drop dead in hospital at the weekend than at any other time during the week.

Rubbish! You're more likely to die in a bomb explosion or being attacked by a rottweiler.

These statesticians obviously have far too much time on their hands to cook up half-baked statistics to make themselves look clever. I mean they have to do this to justify their own jobs. They should do what I do to justify my existence; drink champagne, that always works

These people are obviously under alot of stress. I think they need to evaluate their lives and find time for some introspection. To do this I think they should take the weekend off.

Burmese Dumbocracy!!

Now this is what I call democracy.

Just heard on the wireless about elections in Burma. After years of  neglecting the voice of the people, state control of the media, ruthless surpression of all political opposition and government brutality the military junta has finally embraced democratic values.

What on earth has gotten into them then?! They must have flipped their lids! You can't let the riff-raff run a country! That's a recipe for total disaster!

Look what happened in Britain when these dumb bells got in; Taxes went up,  the Empire collapsed, poor people started winning on the Grand National and all the traditional English Curry restaurants were bought up by foreigners!! It's a disgrace!

There's only one way to get even a half decent election result and that is to shoot anyone who votes for the wrong candidate.. That's the sort of democracy I’d vote for.

Luncheon Voucher

No wine list means it's not a restaurant

Was at a buffet service luncheon earlier today by invitation of one of my servants trying to negotiate an end to the blasted strike. He vouched for the place by saying it was excellent.

The strike has kept those stinkers idle for weeks while I have been left standing there like a complete arse, having to make my own tea, cucumber sandwiches, G&T, wash my own feet and the like.

One has to say that the food came through like lightening. However, one then asked the waitress what wine was available in the cellar. A simple question that went completely over her head of course. 'Wine' I said. 'you know in a bottle? Red? Expensive? Yes?'

She responded, 'This is McDonald's sir.'

Don't know what that was supposed to mean but clearly they didn't have a wine list, whereupon, for some reason, everybody took it upon themselves to laugh. Won't be going there again!

The Police and MY Taxes

Batman

Just read about some woman who was involved in last summer's riots in London. Apparently the silly bint was ferrying people around all over the place to raid numerous shops, chains and department stores.

It's a disgrace! The reason she was able to do this was because half the police were on holiday courtesy of my taxes! What an absolute shower!

Moral Fabric? Moral Filth More Like!!

Pure Filth! Now that was a racey flick

I'm just writing to complain about the lack of moral fibre in today's youth. It's a disgrace! Why just the other day I heard two of em having sexual intercourse in their hotel room and they weren't even married. Not even to each other! What the hell is the matter with these people No moral compass and all that sort of thing!?

No sir! This sort of thing has got to stop! All my life I've been guided by strong moral principles. Yes Sir! That's me.