Pompeii. Remarkable City

Decided to pop into Pompeii last week whilst I was down in those parts, on a wine excursion. Pompeii (or Pompers) is the famous town that was buried in a huge volcanic eruption from Mount Versuvius in A.D. 49, just after tea-time.

The place was buried so fast that the locals were not able to get away in time and were buried alive, burned and scorced to death in the most unimaginable of pains. A by-product of the super searing death they met was that the scalding ash effectively preserved them all in time at the moment they were buried. By a quirk of fate Archeologists have been able to make plaster casts of the bodies left by these people.

The screaming agony was to our benefit as the casts of their bodies give a clear insight into life at the time and one can say not much has changed. Take this first photo for instance. This chap was clearly blotto on Gin and Tonic and was unable to get up off the floor. One can even still see the bottle in his hand.

Blotto

 Whilst in this second photo this chap's wife had obviously buggered off with the man next door as he was probably rubbish in the bedroom department.

Bedroom Department

And just look at this one who clearly deserved to burn as he was unable to descern the difference between a toilet and wooden box!

Toilet

Yes well as I said not much has changed......

Complete Twat?

Baumgartner

Take a Running Jump!

Just been reading abouut Felix Baumgartner. This chap came to global notoriety as the first chappie to skydive from a one-chap podule 36km up in the high reaches of earth’s atmosphere. He broke several records including the first chap to go at supersonic speed unassisted by any jiggery-pokery or what have you.

Well anyway the bleeder has just been fined £1500 for hitting a Greek lorry driver in a foreign country.

What sort of person does that sort of thing? Just because he’s broken the sound barrier doesn’t mean he can go round hitting people, no sir by Jimeny it does not!

It’s a disgrace! Time and time again we see people becoming famous and as a consequence they go around breaking social norms and flouting conventions of society like passing water on small children, vomiting on policemen and all that sort of thing.

Everybody knows that hitting people is dangerous, if you're not careful you can break the bones in your wrist! What Baumgartner should have done was thrash the man. Preferably with a horse-whip. It’s much safer as the impact isn't absorbed by your own personage.

I mean if Baumgartner isn't able to do something as simple as this the fool can go and take a running jump! 

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......

Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.

Jimmy Sa'VILE: A Dirty Rotter!

Jimmy Sa' VILE

Just writing about that ghastly human being Jimmy Savile.

While that dreadful person was alive he was revered throughout Great Britain not only as a tireless charity worker but also played a demented Radio 1 D.J. character presenting that nauseating programme Top Of The Plops.

Secretly the man used his television popularity as a way of grooming children before interfering with them willy-nilly for his own carnal lusts. It's a disgrace!

It's a breach of trust, that's what it is. He wormed his way up the greasy pole of that Paedo-Stalinist BBC solely for the purpose of putting himself in a position of respectability by which to abuse youngsters. It’s an absolute abhorrence that he used the BBC in this manner.

What he should have done was got a job teaching in public school. That would have been much more appropriate.

Courtney: An Obituary

Rest In Peace Courtney Loyal Servant

One is sad to announce that my butler, valet, personal assistant and chauffeur Courtney passed away recently.

One is saddened beyond description as the stinker owed me seven guineas from the gee-gees. That horse was a dead-cert even though it was 200/1. It's just that the other horses fell ill, one couldn't get out of the starting gate two of the others threw their riders leaving only my horse and 'Arse-biscuit' to finish the race.

It wasn't his job to evaluate whether the horse would win or not. All he had to do was to do as he was bloody well told. I didn't pay him to think!  Instead he put the money on that blasted nag 'Twenty Hotels' on 10/2. It was the bloody favourite wasn't it! naturally I'd fixed it so the blasted animal would fall at the first fence.

Lost that lolly because of him and he always refused to pay it back! What a ghastly little man he was. But you just can't get the staff any more these days and now I have to foot the bill for his funeral too!

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy

What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.

Greenhouse Gas Emissions

Gas Emissions

See this man? It's Kinnock! Remember him? The Welsh Wind-bag and one time bleeder of the opposition and I'm telling you this man has got a problem.
 
I was on a plane bound for that ghastly Gatwick Airport last night and it was Kinnock who jumped the queue infront of me. Apparently, working for that Fascio/Stalinist European Union entitles it's employees to queue hop. Well not in my books it doesn't.

So Anyway, mid-way through the flight, after the hostess had served me with my fourth glass of a rather cheeky little Cotes du Rhone, Reserve Chartreuse de Bonpas, Louis Bernard 2007 one had the need to visit the aeroplane's latrine. 

One got out of my first class chair and made my way to the little boys room. When I arrived the blasted door was locked and there was some person inside wiping their backside.

Well after ten minutes the door unlocked and it was old Kinnock again! The fool stepped out with a typical One-is-better-than-thou smirk all over his stupid face and returned to his seat. I then stepped into the kharzi and my God I can tell you, the stink?!

What in Bonaparte's Balls had that man eaten for lunch? It was horrendous! It was like some sick animal had crawled up his arse and died. Just how much gas he had emitted much have been incalcuable? My God it could have filled a bloody Zeppelin. And just how he was able to stay in their for that long is completely beyond me too. He must have been using a gas mask.

And God alone knows how is wife is able to lie in the same bed as him without being blasted out of the window every once in a while. If ever there was a reason for a hole in the ozone layer then he is it.

Just the thrust from his backside could have been enough to propel our aeroplane forwards to supersonic flight.

I'm not surprised that they banned smoking on planes with his sort flying in em, just one light from a match and the entire thing would go up into pieces.

David Irving - Holocaust Denial

Irving: In Denial

Just been reading about that tricky chappie David Irving.

Irving is a proponent of a theory that the Holocaust never actually happened and that it was all a lie.

Poppycock! Of course it happened! Holcausts have been around for centruries. The Romans were the first lot who organised em when they invaded Britannia in 42 A.D. don cha know!

Their holocausts were rather primative affairs but in essence were the same as 20th Century ones that are known more widely as under-floor heating, designed to keep a house warm in winter time.

Most Roman Villas in Britannia had a holocaust and the evidence is still there today. I know because I saw it on 'Time Team' with that ghastly little actor Tony Robinson.

People like Irving should be ashamed of themselves trying to distort history. There's only one thing to do with people like that, lock em in a room and turn the gas on! That's the only sort of language that lot understand.

Neil Armstrong: An Obituary

Armstrong and His Trumpet

Today marks the passing of one of the real heroes of the United States of America.

Yes Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player to walk on the moon, has died at the age of 82.

Before becoming a trumpet playing astronaut he was a United States Naval Officer and had had an exemplary career as a pilot in the Korean war flying 78 missions, 20 of which were for combat: shooting down several Communist Balalaika playing fighter jets.

Purported Sex Pest Assange Found!!

Freedom to Speak & Rape and Molest?

Futher to my previous post about the purported sex pest Assange in which it was apparent that he had been lost in the Ecuadorian Embassy it transpires he has turned up at a window.

The purported Sex Pest Assange was found standing at a window spouting complete rubbish about how clever he is and that nobody understands him. 

Well he's right! I don't understand him! How he can blabber on about freedom of information yet not return to Sweden on allegations of being a sex pest is beyond me.

Strikes me that the fool needs to read Richard Dawkins' book 'The God Delusion' before highlighting just how clever he thinks he is.

Anyone would think that by the way he conducts himself he is nothing more than a citizen of some crippity crappity corrupt South American tin-pot dicatorship.

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids

Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.

Todd Akin: 'Women Don't Get Pregnant'

Doesn't Have Womb, Does Have Arse-Hole

Well Lawks-a-lordy I didn't know that! Some ghastly politico in the U.S.A. named Todd Akin has just revealed that rape victims don't get pregnant...

Apparently women's bodies are more intelligent than their brains and can choose whether or not to have a child conceived through non-consensual sexual intercourse. What is more women are not aware of this..... In fact nobody was except Todd Akin and presumably God too.

Well that's OK then isn't it!! So the purported-sex-pest-Assange doesn't have to face sexual assualt charges in Sweden any longer as the silly arse never endangered any of the women he is accused of fiddling with.

Also, by the logic of Akin, he wouldn't suffer pain if a mugger kicks him in his wedding tackle and he won't have to get diarrhoea if a penny pinching restaurant skimps on the cleaning duties and gives him food poisoning.

Furthermore, he won't bleed if a twit with a knife stabs him and finally he won't drop dead either if a burglar shoots the bleeder between the eyes.

Olympic Shooting Sport



Found a Volunteer?

Just been hearing and reading lately about the Shooting competition in the Olympic games.

People have been complaining that it is dull. One feels one must point out that this is a very important sport with just as much validity as javelin, discus the 400m and whathaveyou. They all test a chap's abilities on the field and his competence with a weapon.

Granted the shooting is pretty static but one has a suggestion to breath a bit of life into it.

Lethal Drone Hits America

Drone

This is the weapon that everybody fears all around the world.

It is a drone that holds no mercy killing and maiming indiscriminately without feeling or empathy to all who stumble upon it.

It's methodology is simple. It hovers around for years on end until it can find a gap in the television schedules and then it inserts itself into that gap and hogs the screen for as long as possible.

Has Bean?

Good God what in Beelzebub's Balls was this clown doing in the Olympic opening ceremony? Making a complete arse of himself that's what he was doing.

He's another one who has had nothing else to do for the last 25 years except attract attention to himself. The fool does this by doing nothing other than pulling stupid expressions on his face and mumbling like a complete shower! Just like that woman Madonna.

Piers mOrgan in an Affair?

No Sex, Please I'm Piers mOrgan.

Piers mOrgan will never ever be the sort of man who goes around sleeping with other women.

No Sir by Jimeny he will not. Is this because of his deep moral values?

Is it his dedication to his wife?

Could it be his nature to be of good character and his desire to be a man of integrity?

Ghost in the House!

Drank my G&T!!

One doesn't believe in ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go 'bump' in the night normally but last night one had an encounter of the supernatural variety!

One had just returned from Lady Farquhar-Farquharson's Alcohol appreciation evening near Chalfont-St-Peter. As one walked though the front door one started to feel faint and a little not so tickety-boo.

Trying to calm one's self, one sat down infront of the fireplace with a splendid Gin given as a tax dodge from Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage last Christmas. Suddenly one felt overcome by some strange sopporific force.

Five hours later, in the early hours, one awoke to find that the Gin had completely gone leaving only the glass in my hand. Not only that but I suspect the same phantom was responsible for the load of ectoplasm all down the front of my shirt!

Going Down

Look at this damn fool! This is the man responsible for the cinema shootings in a town called Aurora in The United States.

The man coincided his killing spree with the premier of the new Batman film. Apparently Holmes thinks he is some kind of Batman nemesis character or some crap like that.

What on earth is that all about then? Didn't anybody ever tell this man that Batman is a fictional character from the Marvel Comic book series? Don't people know the difference between real life and fantasy? It's a disgrace!!

This is the real world not some fantasy comic book with fictional villans cavorting around committing daring acts of criminal derring-do. This man is obviously a joker.

The Laughing Policeman

Licence to Kill?

According to the UK Border Agency this country has over 275,000 failed immigrants living in this country! This is due to government cutbacks and not enough staff. It's a disgrace!

Half of them the government just can't find and the rest can't differentiate between a Claret and a Chardonnay.

Well I've got just the solution to make these people want to go back on the next plane.

That's right, send in P.C. Simon Harwood. The mere thought that this copper is on the case would be enough to put the willies up anyone! Including the innocent.

This policeman with will soon have the lot of these people running for the nearest airport pronto and anyone else too for that matter. That's the only sort of language they understand. Seeing as most of em don't speak English anyway.