Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.

Transvestite's Tights

Urinals

What in Bonaparte’s balls is mankind coming to? Was in a trendy left wing bar last night in a popular part of The Metropol with nephew ’Fruity’ Ware-Armitage. He was showing off his bit of leggy totty called Trixi.

Anyway one had a call from nature, so one trotted off to the little boys room to do some quantitative easing.

Whilst sitting on the kharzi one could hear people chatting on the other side of the door. However, all one could discern were the voices of women? What were women doing in the little boys room one wondered?

After exiting (and one doesn’t mean finished shitting one means leaving the cubicle in which the latrine was housed) one was shocked to see three women standing around gossiping right by the hand basins.

One politely explained that they were in the wrong place to which the big bosomed one said ’i don’t think so big boy.’ I pointing to the urinals and said ’you are hardly likely to need one of those my dear.’ The three women then walked, simultaneously over to the urinals a got their wedding tackle out! They weren't women at all they were chaps! Worse than that one had actually fancied the big bosomed one! Thought I was going to vomit!

It’s a disgrace! What the hell is the matter with people? You can't have ladies walking around with wedding tackle hanging about all willy-nilly all over the place! I don’t want those people passing water where I pass mine and I certainly don’t want to shit where they've shat!

One supposes that the ladies won't want that sort in their latrines either. So where can these people deposit their waste matter? Well one suggests some kind of lavatorial deliniation! New signs will be needed in addition to; ’LADIES’ and ’GENTS,’ something like ’UNDECIDED.’

I say these people should have had their own latrines in which they could have shat their shit into.

New Year Resolution

Having just recovered from the New Year festivities at Lady Fiddlescomb-Partridges Estate. One realises that one should attempt to make some kind of effort with a new year resolution. One is not prone to this sort of wishy-washy pseudo-socialist clap-trap but one does have things that need to be addressed sooner or later so why not give it a whirl.

Those Resolutions in Full;

1) The Strike, it has been about a year now and things are getting done around the estate and it's starting to look a complete shower. So my resolution is to break those perishers one way or another, never give in to bastard striking servants!

2) Money, need to make a few savings here and there so there will be more visits to the pub to use the toilets,

3) Work, need to give oneself a payrise from Ware-Armitage Motors. This is easily done by sacking a few of the numpties

4) Start writing my memoirs. This is going to be a winner entitled 'All the Filth in the World at MY Door'

5) Health, hmm yes as one gets older one needs to be aware of ones increasing frailties. Therefore I will be hiring a personal coach to run around the estate at least twice a week.

6) Relationships, this is important, one desires to be finally rid of the ex-wives, let's hope nothing too trivial happens to them this year hey ha ha.

7) Finally must have shot at least 250-260 animals last year and one feels some guilt about this, espcially what with the current attitudes towards animal welfare one should at least make an effort on this issue. So this year let's aim for at least 450. That should get the bunny-huggers in a huff

Eastmas? Christer? What's going on?

Egads man one was in the blasted supermarket this morning, laughing at 'Le Grande Levee' and also reminiscing about when the servants used to do this sort of thing, when I saw that they had blasted hot crossed buns and cream eggs for sale!

What is that all about? Those things are for Easter are they not? Easter is bloody miles away! Can't they give it while before selling this kind of thing? I mean one hasn't even finished eating one's mince pies yet.

This is typical of The Church trying to cash in on the post Christmas fervour and promoting their religious fanaticism for when Easter comes along, where we celebrate St Cadbury and his followers St Schweppes and St Gin and a few others and we all drink Tonic Water or something like that.

Well one isn't buying into it! I haven't even recovered from my blasted New Year's hangover yet! These people make me sick! These's only one thing to do with that sort, nail them all to posts! That's the only sort of language they understand.

USA Gun Laws: The Solution

Thought I'd give me tuppence worth regarding the current state of affairs in the United States of America about the gun laws. This debate crops up every few months or so  just after they have one of their massacres or killing sprees, usually of children, in a school or shopping mall, followed by long periods of inactivity.

The latest two sprees involved twenty-six people being mown down in the Sandy Hook high school in a place called Newtown, Connecticut and then a few days later some crafty jonny opened fire on the fire brigade after he lured them to a blaze which he had started.

After all this the organisation that advocates people carrying guns willy-nilly, the NAZIonal Rifle Association proposed an end to all this sort of thing by recommending more people carrying guns so then can shoot anybody that tries to shoot them first! Well that's all very well but how are small children supposed to carry an AK-47 or a Howitzer! One blast of the trigger from an automatic assault rifle and the child will fly backwards into the nearest wall, probably taking out several of their classmates aswell!  A silly idea but that is what the Nazional Rifle Association thinks will do the trick.

To this end I called their HQ and demanded to speak to one of the people in charge to tell them what a ridiculous idea it was. Of course my point of view was completely over his head and he threatened to shoot me if I ever contacted him again. Should have seen that coming.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well after a large glass of port the solution came to me in a flash! In fact it's so easy that one has already started celebrating with a bottle of Chambertin Rousillion de Vin Pays 1956!

It's simple, rather than shooting lots of school children, the executive members of the Nazional Rifle Association could be shot instead. With them being hoisted by their own petards the innate hypocracy of their argument will be revealed. It's the only sort of language that these people understand.

How Many Languages in the World?

Drone, Waffle, Blab, Bore, Natter and Crap!

Was walking along the high street yesterday when some fellow approached me with a look upon his countenance that was indicative of his wanting something from me. 

Seeing as it was around Christmas time I thought I would give the man the benefit of the doubt and at least listen to what the bleeder wanted. Well anyway he got up to me and muttered something incomprehensible.

Initially, one thought that he was a drunkard seeking to alleviate me of some of MY money. Well odds-bodkins one doesn't need that kind of thing at this time of the year! 

So before I had the chance to shoo the man away he muttered it again! But he wasn't slurring his words and also there was no sign of him having passed water in his undergarments. So one demanded that he repeat himself and he did. But one still couldn't get one's ear around what the fool was uttering and he muttered something more. 

One started to get irate with the man and demanded that he speak clearly. It was only as I was about to demand that that fool apologise to me for looking at me that I realised what was going on. The man was in fact not speaking English! He was speaking that other global language that everybody else speaks. Yes that's right he was just speaking foreign. Well those are the only languages I know of, English and Foreign. Realising this I looked at sorry fellow and tried to communicate with him that I couldn't speak foreign by shouting very loudly the following;

'NO SPEAK FOREIGN. YOU NOW SPEAK ENGLISH'

Of course the fool continued speaking foreign! I mean what is the world coming to? One would have thought that everyone in the world spoke English by now! But no by Jimeny they do not! So there was nothing left for me to do but to start thrashing the fellow. And rather than taking it like a man the utter coward ran away. And do you know what another fellow approached me a few minutes later also muttering in foreign! In fact all day I could hear the pagan swine muttering in foreign. 

That's the last time I go to Belgium for a weekend break.

Piers mOrgan Deportation Petition

Nazional Rifle Association

One has just read that there is a petition in the United States to get Piers Morgan deported.

The reason for this is because he spoke out in favour of a stricter gun control within the United States after the Connecticut shootings in which twenty-six people had had their brains splattered all over the place thus dying.

Good Christmas Deed for the Day

I am a Truely Generous Man

You know one of the good things about being me is that I sometimes surprise even myself with my generosity of spirit and the like.

Take today for example. I was moseying down the street in a cheerful mood when I saw this decrepit wretch begging for money whilst sitting on the cold, wet floor. The man was a pathetic sight and also smelled of a combination of dried urine and congealed urine. Truely dreadful. Not only that but he was wearing a trenchcoat and walking boots!! Can you imagine that?

Nevertheless, the Christmas spirit has taken a hold of one and the cheer has permeated it's way into one's heart and all that sort of thing.

So I approached the chappie with a big smile upon my face and went and told him what my Christmas menu was going to be along with the winelist.

He muttered some incomprehensible gibberish so I told him that he needed to be grateful to God just for the pleasure of being alive. After all isn't life worth living for the sake of living it?

I then stopped some passer by and persuaded the man to give some money to the wretch on the floor. Life is truely wonderful don cha know.

Youth of Today!

Male? Female? Get them to vomit!

Egads Man! One was out last night in the centre of the little town of Charlton Heston whereupon I came across some young people socialising in the street.
   

One noticed that half the young chaps had their trousers so low as to make their underpants visible to the world at large! It’s a disgrace!

The ladies were a different kettle of fish! They actually concealed their underwear beneath their pantaloons. One seems to recall that it used to be almost the other way around! Ridiculous!

Nostradamus

Couldn't predict how shit his predictions
were going to be.

Was listening to the wireless whilst motoring down to Chepstow yesterday afternoon when this chappie came on talking about that 15th Century fortune teller called Nostradamus.

Apparently Nostradamus was able to foretell future events concerning individuals, nations, various armies, improvements in latrine technology, the fates of several nasty dictators and all that sort of thing.

The guest speaker was talking about his book that had just been and updated.

That in itself was enough to throw the whole caboodle out the blasted window in my books! I mean why did the book have to be updated if it was a book about predictions? That on it’s own is enough to show that the first book was wrong in the first place.

The whole thing is a complete shower! Full of codswallop about things that are supposed to happen but never will. I don't trust it one bit!

And another thing, if this Nostradamus book was supposed to be so accurate then how come it hasn't been able to predict just how shit it is? Answer me that why don't you!!!

Men & Women: The Difference

Men and Women: The Difference

Been around for years and finally FINALLY, I've just been able to work out the difference between men and women. It's so bally-well obvious that it was right infront of me all this time and one was not able to see it! Unbelievable!

So what is the difference? Of course when one writes that one isn't referring to people's wedding tackle and other such obvious accoutriments. No one is referring to a more fundamental difference that lies deep within ourselves that overides the bedroom equipment department.

So what is it? Well it's obvious when one puts one's mind to it

Cricket & the Maasai Mara

Post-Testicle Thwacking

Just been reading about a project by the World Cricket Federation that has introduced the game of cricket to the Masai Mara, a tribe of people in Africa

The idea is to use the sport to help address pertinent issues to the local tribespeople that affect their daily lives. In their case it’s things like A.I.D.S. drought, H.I.V. genital mutilation, gender issues wine tasting and all that sort of hullababoo.

One is in favour of all this sort of thing as they these people make the most atrocious wine.

So how will the organisers do it using the sport of cricket. One couldn't honestly fathom it especially in terms of stuffl like genital mutilation and the A.I.D.S. epidemic. After long considered thought one has come up with how they will do it.

It's simple, for example in reference to drought you simply tell them all that if they don’t conserve water then they get the cricket bat wrapped around their head. In terms of genital mutilation you just tell em that the next person that gets their genitals mutilated gets a thwack in the testicles with the same cricket bat.

David Shayler Trapped Inside the Body of David Shayler

Someone inside the body of someone else

Look at this. This is David Shayler, the former MI5 civil servant who blubbed about UK government secrets to the press. Clearly with nowhere to go with his life since that episode he has gone into himself to do some soul searching. And what did he find? He found that he was one of those people who are one member of a genital group who thinks they are trapped inside the body of the opposite genital group.

In fact the condition doesn't even have a medical name and the default tital 'Woman trapped inside a Man's body' is merely a façon de parler.

Well one doesn't get it! If this is the case why can't he just try on an appropriate pair of genitally grouped underpants and be done with? And that goes for the lot of em!

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Before and After

Television Detritus

It appears that being old and getting older is not only undesireable but is also unfashionable! Nonsense!

Numerous actors and that sort of detritus, like this nancy-boy on the right here, that appear on the telly, have taken to visiting the butcher and hacking large chunks of themselves off of their fatuous faces to try to make it look as though they are of a younger age. Codswallop! That's what I say. Codswallop! 

What's the matter with these people? Are they insecure? Frightened of getting old? Scared of dying? Worried that people won't look at them any longer? Well people are looking at this lot alright and for all the wrong reasons.

It's discrimination that's what it is! Downright ageism. In looking younger they think they are younger! Well they're not! They are just more stupid and out of touch with reality.

Just look at Melanie Griffiths for example. She seems to think that having her jaw permanently fixed further forward than her nose is attractive! No it isn't! It makes her resemble a damn fool

Lock Jaw

While this man known as carrot-top thinks that attaching electric wires to his wedding-tackle will improve his act. Err he may be right on that one though....

Electric Wires to wedding-tackle

While Micheal Jackson didn't even bother getting any surgery done he just hired an imposter to take his place and not a very good one at that!

Hire and Imposter?

While this complete shower, Gary Busey, has gone for the Startled-Rabbit-Caught-in-Car-Headlights look.

Should have electric wires attached to wedding-tackle

There's nothing wrong with getting old, looking old and being old. If this shower of people and many more of em besides, want to alter their appearance then it's not facelifts they need,  its a bullet through the head. That's the only sort of lanugage they understand.

Pompeii. Remarkable City

Decided to pop into Pompeii last week whilst I was down in those parts, on a wine excursion. Pompeii (or Pompers) is the famous town that was buried in a huge volcanic eruption from Mount Versuvius in A.D. 49, just after tea-time.

The place was buried so fast that the locals were not able to get away in time and were buried alive, burned and scorced to death in the most unimaginable of pains. A by-product of the super searing death they met was that the scalding ash effectively preserved them all in time at the moment they were buried. By a quirk of fate Archeologists have been able to make plaster casts of the bodies left by these people.

The screaming agony was to our benefit as the casts of their bodies give a clear insight into life at the time and one can say not much has changed. Take this first photo for instance. This chap was clearly blotto on Gin and Tonic and was unable to get up off the floor. One can even still see the bottle in his hand.

Blotto

 Whilst in this second photo this chap's wife had obviously buggered off with the man next door as he was probably rubbish in the bedroom department.

Bedroom Department

And just look at this one who clearly deserved to burn as he was unable to descern the difference between a toilet and wooden box!

Toilet

Yes well as I said not much has changed......

Complete Twat?

Monthly Horoscope: Libra

The Ware-Armitage horoscope: Libra

With Saturn entering the venus transitional phase cycle and the sun shining out of Uranus this is a time to do those things that ought to have shown the way for all the same.

A transient cycle between Capricorn and Western-Super-Mare will result in a tired feeling all the rest of the day and possibly for older Librans a large coronary.

It is important that at this one time in the year in order to do the necessary things that will facilitate it.

But take heed to do the right thing here as this will mean the wrong thing is too much about nothing even if none of them will show what way it is impossible to work.

Do this at your leisure or that big homosexual will do that thing that he promised to do over the last six months

Remember that libra is the sign to show that all the others signs are there too in order to demonstrate that it is a time of when there should not be so much.

For further details call the Ware-Armitage hotline at no less than £20.00 per minute.

Jimmy Sa'VILE: A Dirty Rotter!

Jimmy Sa' VILE

Just writing about that ghastly human being Jimmy Savile.

While that dreadful person was alive he was revered throughout Great Britain not only as a tireless charity worker but also played a demented Radio 1 D.J. character presenting that nauseating programme Top Of The Plops.

Secretly the man used his television popularity as a way of grooming children before interfering with them willy-nilly for his own carnal lusts. It's a disgrace!

It's a breach of trust, that's what it is. He wormed his way up the greasy pole of that Paedo-Stalinist BBC solely for the purpose of putting himself in a position of respectability by which to abuse youngsters. It’s an absolute abhorrence that he used the BBC in this manner.

What he should have done was got a job teaching in public school. That would have been much more appropriate.

Family Planning Web Sites

By George there are some peculiar webular sites on the internet don cha know!

Recently one has noticed a proliferation of webular sites regarding family planning. For example, one of the ones I visited last night showed footage of a couple trying to start a family. Indeed many of these family planning webular sites show couples and even sometimes entire groups of couples trying to start families.

Famine in Africa

Just seen pictures on the telly about the latest famine in Africa. 

Can't believe that this sort of hoo-haa goes on in the 21st Century. Apparently hundreds of thousands of plebians are suffering needlessly because there just isn't enough food where they are. 

According to the W.H.O. this sort of thing goes on alot! And from looking at all the pictures on the telly I’m hardly surprised there’s a blasted famine there. I mean I didnt see a single bloody supermarket anywhere. Not even a corner shop or an ice cream van. No wonder they’re all starving hungry!

What's the matter with these people? If one wants to go on holiday one goes to a place where there is basic public facilities not a wide open field full of poor people! What in God's name are these people up to? 

Still, one has bought a van and is sending it there to churn out a few kebabs, with that lot going hungry I can charge whatever I like. One is going to make a killing

Losing One's Marbles!!

What is the blasted world coming to?!!!

I've been walking around all day aware of a ghastly smell in the air!

I thought it was the wretched estate next door experimenting with chemical toilets but no. Turns out I went to the kharzi this morning and forgot to pull my down my trousers!

That's the third time I've done that this week! Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

My God is this the way it ends for everybody? It's frightening if you ask me. Getting old and decrepit, loosing ones senses and all that mularky! Can't the blasted government do anything about it? No that's right they won't do anything about. They can put a trumpet player on the moon but ask em to stop aging and they pretend they haven't got a clue. It's a damn conspiracy if you ask me. In fact it's so frightening one could easily shit oneself if one thought about it too much.