How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin

Martial Arts

Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. 

It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. 

April Showers Back Up Plan

Baked Beans

Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.

This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. 

So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-

The Mystery of Stonehenge Solved!

The Builders

Yes Stonehenge, that's right Stonehenge. This quite amazing neolithic feature of the British countryside was started in in the year 2600 BC and finished in or about the morning of the 3rd May 2000 BC. I don't know about you but they must have had some pretty dicky builders doing that one! Mind you 600 years to complete that is nothing when you consider that the Parthenon is Athens still hasn't been finished, rotters!

According to Google Stonehenge is currently owned by that fat tub of lard Edward Seymour the 1st Duke of Somerset which is laughable because the twit was executed in 1552. What is even more laughable is that fact that google then provide a telephone number for him so if anyone wants to get back to me and tell me if he's in I'd love to know, here is that number 0870 333 1181. 

Police: Syria Girls Negligence

Do you want my number!

One of the fathers of the three silly little school girls who ran away to Syria has rounded on the police for not doing their job properly.

The father of Amira Abase stated that his daughter was a good daughter and it wasn't her shitting fault she thought it would be a GOOD idea to go the Islamic State controlled area where gays are defenestrated, foreigners beheaded, ancient artefacts destroyed and killing those with whom you have a differing opinion is acceptable.

When asked who he thought was responsible for his daughter's actions his response was unequivocal, 'It's the police,' he said, if they had been monitoring HIS daughter she may well still have been with him and instead someone else's silly daughter's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.

World Book Day

Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely marvellous don cha know!

World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.

Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.

In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.