Global Warming...? Global Farting!

Vanessa Feltz

Just been reading up on a theory about dinosaurs and global warming. Apparently the blighters gassed themselves all to death by billowing out billions of tons of methane.

The scientists based their theory on the methane producing capacity your common or garden cow.

Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela

One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 
Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.

How To End Ivory Poaching.

Ivory Trade. Burning Ivory Doesn't Stop This Business

See this photograph? Do you see it? Well this is a consequence of the Ivory Trade.

A ghastly business that causes much trouble around the world's more disappointing countries where, coincidently, a lot of elephants live.

Hats Orff...

Good God what the bloody hell is going on!?

I've seen some damn fool things in my time but this marks the beginning of the end. What was this individual thinking? They must be on drugs or worse still, blended scotch!

And just look at the colour of that material. I wouldn't be seen dead in it. It's a cross between pink lavatory paper and 50,000 volts through a person's wedding tackle! It's a disgrace!

Bell: My New Butler

Bell the Butler

Excellent news. That blasted servants strike may soon be over. 

I thought I'd almost lost it when Courtney passed away last year but odds bodkins the other day I solicited the services of a new man called Bell. (see photograph courtesy of Hanson Leatherby)

Anyway, Bell the butler has proved himself to be of great worth and knows his place. And he doesn't flinch at all, for example, last Sunday I thought I would test him out by getting Great Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage to telephone me. Then I would say 'Is that the phone bell' Ha hahah Geddit? Yes? No? and then 'Is that the door bell' Geddit? Ha ha I've still got the old wit don cha know. He didn't even bat an eyelid when I threatened to defenestrate him for leaving the window open.