Miss Moneypenny & Women in Business

Glass Ceiling? Never Seen One!!

Just been reading about someone called Miss Moneypenny who wrote a book about women in business.

Apparently, she claims that there is a glass ceiling preventing women from advancing in the business world.

Poppycock! Glass ceiling? Glass ceiling?  What on earth is she blabbering on about? Have you ever seen one? I know I haven't.

This is exactly the sort of reason I never let any women get too high up in my company. 

As you were.

Australia's Great White Sharks!

No Complaints

Heard on the wireless about those chappies in Australia having a spot of bother with the local marine life

Apparently earlier this week a surfer jonnie was bitten in half by a Great White Shark. Died instantaneously. 

Anyway some of the chaps in Australia now want to go round killing all the sharks so nobody else gets scoffed. Well what kind of an attitude is that? It's not just our planet to with what we wish willy-nilly. No Sir! A shark is a shark, it eats people. That is just what they do. You can't kill the blighters because of that. 

I say leave em alone, they've been on this earth longer than us. Shame on those who want to kill em all just so they can lounge around on the blasted beach bronzing themselves.

People like that make me sick! So intolerant! I say we throw em to the sharks! That's the only sort of language that that lot understand!

Laos; Hilary Clinton Flies In.

Clearing her Bombs

Been reading about Hilary Clinton visiting south east Asia.

Apparently the Yankee fellows dropped so many bombs on the gooks in that place it is officially  the most bombed place in the world per capita.

Also not all the ordinance detonated either! Every year dozens of the locals get blown to smithereens by unexploded bombs and they are not too chipper about it. They want Uncle Sam to foot the bill for the clearing up operation as its horrendous and will take years but i’ve got a faster, cheaper solution. Here it is

1) Get a load of bombers.
2) Load em all up with hundreds of thousands of tons of high explosive bombs
3) Fly the bombers over the affected areas
4) Drop the bombs
5) Get the blazes out of there pronto

If that doesn’t stop the locals getting blown to pieces by unexploded ordinance nothing will.

As you were.

Rebekah Brooks Not in Back Door Sex Scandal

Walks Up Hills Only

Just writing to give my support to Rebekah Brooks, disgraced former editor of The Sun and currently awaiting trial for attempting to pervert the course of justice in England.

There are many rumours about this attractive woman one of which concerns the perverse activity of bum sex. 

I mean it just can't be true that this English rose spends her free time taking it in the back door! She is far too innocent looking for her to be a turf-hurdler.

This woman was one of the watchers who kept her eye on those in power all these years so One can't begin to believe she into Penalty Shoot-outs.

The Higgs-Boson Particle

God's Particles

I've thought it wise to try to explain to the 'Grande Lavee' what the meaning of the Higgs-Boson particle is. Well it's complex but one will attempt to explain through analogy.

First of all one needs a Large Hadron Collider. This is represented by a large empty glass.

Then you add your particles. In this case the atomic particles will be represented by a large pouring of gin. 

Then you accelerate the 'particle' to a speed close to that of the speed of light. This is represented by a generous helping of tonic.

Then to represent Switzerland you add ice but only if there is room left in the glass.

Once this is done you drink the lot in one go. Do this several times to represent the smashed particles. After about three hours of this one will find that the entire universe has lost it's structure and you will be able to see everything in a different way. 

That will be the God particle for you.

Piers mOrgan is a Wanker?

Not a Total Arse

Just writing to give moral support to Piers Morgan. It matters not one not that his monstrous betrayal of the British army in Iraq exacerbated the already tense situation there.

Nor that his complete lack of popularity in England forced him to scurry away to the United States of America.

No sir by Jimeny it does not. Despite being labelled many defamatory names I like him and I don’t think he is a tosser at all. No this is a good man.

Neither is he a wanker nor an arse-wipe. He has done so much to help the needy, just look as Susan Boyle.

The Servants Strike Back

Pagan Swine!

Good God look what those damn Servants have done! They think that because they are still on strike they can write this sort of verbiage on one's walls.

Well one is not going to stand for it! It's a disgrace! What is one going to do with these people?

Don't they know there is a hyphen between the 'Ware' and the 'Armitage'?

If the pagan swine are going to impugn my reputation they could at least get the grammar right.

Shit Creek with a Paddle

Looks a Right Tosser?!

Look at this photo! Just look at it!! This is the new sport of choice Paddle Surfing.

Hasn't this fool got anything better to do with his life?

It must be an example of the first sport where the equipment used actually goes slower than what it was originally designed for! It's like storing your fridge in the blasted oven!

I could have shat a better sport than this! In fact that is probably going to be the next 'new sport' Shit blasting. Everyone bends over and tries to crap further than everybody else.

In fact I've got an even better sport than that. Paddle-surfer shooting! Just shoot the bleeders partaking in paddle-surfing. Then I'd like to see how fast they can paddle after the first one gets it. Also I'd make em paddle in shark-infested waters.

Then they'd really wish they were up shit creek without a paddle.

Mitt Romney in Sex Scandal Sensation?

Only Fucks Wife

Just want to give my halfpenny worth regarding the Republican party candidate for the post of President of the United States of America, Mitt Romney.

Any rumours of a sex scandal with this man are completely false. This man is a family man with great children and a vast investment portfolio to support them.

His cheer and happiness are there to see for all the world. Why would he embark on an extra-marital affair?  One has never seen such a happy candidate running for this top job.

Global Warming & Wind Farms

What in Beelzebub’s balls is the world coming to?

Just look at this picture! Look at it. It’s a sign that mankind has finally flipped it’s lid.

It’s a photo of something called a wind farm. Apparently it is going to help stop global warming.

Now I may have an arse for a brain but you’re not going to cool down the planet with huge farms of fans blowing cold air everywhere are you?!

I mean how much electricity do these thing use in order to power them? It’s bloody lunacy!

No if you want to cool down the planet just get everyone to leave their fridge doors open over night. I wish people would ask me about these things you know.

Rupert Murdoch Hates the English

Look at the horns on his head!!

Right then! So Murdoch hates the English! He doesn't give a shit about us!

Sounds to me like the baby has thrown the dummy out of the pram. 

The man says he can make more money in the United States with his Fucks News Corporation.

OK.. goodbye then.

In the meantime he can take his blasted money, stick it up his arse, then some more up his son's arse, then up his wife's arse and then up Rebekah Brookes' arse, then I'd like to see them all give a shit after that!!!

Natural Disaster

Dreadful Heat

It's sweltering here! Can hardly keep my G&T cold long enough to drink the blasted thing.  Have to keep throwing it down my throat ASAP.

Of coursre very hot prolonged summers have resulted in 100's dying through high temperatures and thirst last year in Southern France and it looks as though this will be repeated this year too!

So here is what must be done to avoid a repetition of last year. 

• Equip lorries to carry tons of water to strategic locations.

• Set up a network of hose-pipes that thread their way between all the choice grape vines.
•  
• Reintroduce slavery so each grape-vine can be shaded from the extreme temperatures of the midday sun otherwise even more vines will die.

• Divert water from small towns and cities into choice wine producing regions.

If it wasn't for that fascio-trotskyite bureaucratic regime in the EU all this would have been dealt with last year!

My New Twitter Account

Is There a Doctor in the House?

One was advised to open to Twitter account by one of those marketing johnnies to promote One's blog.

Thought the bounder was trying to tell me I was a twit but he managed to explain what Twitter was all about during the thrashing I was metering out to him.

Anyway, the account was open ten minutes when the first follower appeared by the name of 'Bernadine Hallums from Miami. Then I saw her profile description!!

www.TIGHT%SS-F%CKEDHARD.INFO (full title censored)

Just what in God's name is this blasted internet for? I thought it was invented to permit loud-mouthed, bolshy, self-opinionated, narrow-minded bleeders like me to talk crap all day and get paid for it. And there's another thing, I've only raised 6 pence since I started doing this sort of thing. I'd make more prostituting the servants (if they weren't still on strike)


The whole thing is a complete shower!!


Anyway got to dash as Bernadine is on the line at the moment and I can't keep her waiting as the call seems ridiculouly expensive for some reason.

Socialist Margarine Conspiracy

Blob of Margarine Under Slice of Toast

Was in the Borough Council offices this morning when I saw a blob of margarine on the floor! Disgraceful! 

I pay these people to keep public buildings free of this sort of lunacy!

I approached the information kiosk and told the jumped up little Marxist there all about it! His response? 'ooh I'll use that for my toast.’

Transgender?!!

Peculiar Voice

My God what is the world coming to!? It transpires that there is a pervert in my condominium?! 

I thought there was something wrong with her the moment I met her at a function the other evening whilst I was attempting to get her up to my room.

Her voice was a bit strange, she was a little tall and she had B.O. Turns out she was a HE!

My God man what is going on?! He started boasting about his gender reassignment. The only reassignment I could think of was concerning his face!!

Reassignment indeed! In my day there was only one to do with his kind! Cut off his wedding tackle! That's the only language his/her/their sort understand!

Rupert Murdoch in Sordid Sex Shame Shenanigans Scandal

That Woman Murdoch Has Frequent Sex With

One of my sources has just told me that Rupert Murdoch is secretly having sex on a regular basis with a woman in his private apartment.

The woman is said to be young enough to be his grand daughter. It's a disgrace!!!

One of Murdoch’s earlier wives has refused to comment on the matter saying that after their marriage was over it really was none of her business whom Rupert chose to have sexual intercourse with.

The Enemy Within

My God We Showed Em!

Just got a letter claiming that I'm a complete coward and am the sort that wouldn't fight for ones' country

How dare they impugn my character! I’ll have you know that during the war one was in constant battle with the enemy. All the time.

It was relentless! The toll was high but it was all very necessary to avoid the country being swamped by the enemy.

Yes One flew hundreds of sorties at great risk to Ones’ personal safety, dropping hundreds of thousands of tons of bombs on the working classes.

At one point we actually ran out of bombs and had to telephone the Luftwaffe to fly over London and drop a few on our behalf as we had ran out!

My God we showed em.

One is a Tolerant Fellow

Not necessarily putrid scum

One prides one's self in being without prejudice and judgement upon those around one.

One understands that others simply do not have the wherewithall to know that others are not blessed with this quality and that they can be jealous of one's blessings and talents.

So their jealousies and negative feelings, no doubt acquired from childhood are merely the projection of their inner turmoils onto one.

So one can rest easy and in the knowledge that these people will one day conquer their inner troubles.

One must reiterate here that one is not a bigot. One is tolerant to all forms of unwashed, ignorant, lower-class, proletarian, scum no matter how stupid or psychologically doollaly they are languishing in their own self-hatred and miserable putrifying ingratiation.

Thank you for reading

How to Disarm a Suicide Bomber?

Off you go to the Police Station

This is an easy one. Simply approach the guilty bleeder suspect and politely ask the chappie what's going on? 

That always trips em up because your average suicide bomber would never expect such a polite enquiry as they are usually charged up ready to detonate and an enquiry of this gracious magnitude will completely overwhelm the swine.

Once he confesses simply ask the johnny to take the bomb off and pop down to the nearest police station to apologise and then turn himself in.

There's no point getting angry with the chap, he can't help it if he's been indoctrinated with some notion of suicidal glory. Rubbish!

Of course if the man fails to respond to the above then do what we did to the fuzzi-wuzzies in Aden; give em a poke with the old cold steel! That'll sort him out.

That lot don't like it up em ya know!

Morning Constitutional

Demented or on Drugs

Was on my morning constitutional today when I happened upon an individual blurting out some rubbish about a ’champagne supernova’ at the top of his ghastly voice accompanied by a guitar.

With lyrics like that this reprobate was obviously on drugs or just demented.  

Then he had the impudence to ask for some of MY money. I told the chappie that I would give him £500 if he would recite any Elgar which he clearly wouldn't have been able to and in any case I just said it to irritate him.


On the plus side at least he was tyring to earn some money rather than stealing it so I persuaded a passer-by to make a donation. 

J.F.K. Conspiracy Theory

Out of His Head

One has devised a water-tight tip-top theory regarding the Kennedy Assassination. It's very controversial but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself!

J.F.K. was assassinated by a chap called 'Lee Harvey Oswald.!! The man was hid in a book suppository waited for J.F.K. to scoot past in his motor, fired off a few rounds and then 'bob's your uncle' out blew J.F.K's brains and the man's clogs were popped.

Graffiti

This'll keep the walls clean!

One has noticed a general decline in society over the last few years don't cha know.

One is talking about graffiti! What does any of it say? What the devil does it mean?! As far as one is concerned it is a hideous monstrosity that needs to be dealt with. You can't just go round defacing public walls willy-nilly!

Escher!

Look at this picture. Just look at it! It took me five Gin & Tonics to get my head round this thing so I can't begin to imagine how many he'd had just to draw it!

I'd bet my last shilling that the swine who drew this was a socialist! This is exactly the sort of rubbish a socialist would come up with.

Shark in Shit!

Artist in Continent.

Went to an art gallery the other day. This is what i saw. Just what in God’s name is this supposed to be?

Shark in formaldehyde? Shark in formaldehyde? I can see its a shark in formaldehyde because it's got 'Shark in Bloody Formaldehyde' written on the side of the damn thing!

What's the point of putting a shark in formaldehyde if you are just going to call it ’Shark in Formalde-Sodding-Hyde.

Olympic Games Anti-Terrorism plan!

Osama Been-Laughing?

Would the death penalty would stop a suicide bomber? Of course it wouldn't! It's just silly!

One is sick and tired of all the pithy anti-terrorism measures being enacted by successive blasted governments. All they do is talk and enact laws.

What is needed is action! and Now!

So one has devised a cunning tip top way to put and end to global terrorism and terrorists from carrying out their destructive activities especially at the forthcoming Olympic Games.

It's simple;

•  stage 1 - evacuate London
•  stage 2 - load a bomber up with an atomic bomb
•  stage 3 - fly aforementioned bomber over central London
•  stage 4 - release bomb
•  stage 5 - get the blazes out of there pronto!

With the complete destruction of central London these terrorists wont have a single thing to blow up. That'll show these stinkers who's in charge!

Doctor Who?

Just see Doctor Who on BBC1. It's nothing but a bunch of silly billies cavorting around attracting attention to themselves. It's completely unbelievable! When was the last time you saw a Doctor with neat handwriting so God only knows how he is supposed to control a space ship.

And here's another thing, when was the last time you saw a space ship in the shape of public latrine? I mean it has to be public latrine otherwise why would they have called it the Turdis? The creators of this programme must have all been on drugs.

Gone are the days of quality televisual broadcasting when Sir David Attenborough would inform all of us in an intelligent rational way about how animals copulated and defecated in fields, instead we are fed this pap that only shows us how easy it is to throw up.

This is how great television used to be.

Is Madonna Bored?

Nothing to do all day.

Just heard about a singer called Madonna who has recently released yet another long play record.

As far as I recall she has been doing this sort of thing for the last thirty bleeding years.

Apart from that and prancing around stages all day she doesn't seem capable of doing anything else? What a loser!

I mean she doesn't even have a vineyard.

This woman needs to get a life!!!

Apple iOS 5.1 Update Review

Recently got the latest Apple iOS update.

This was good news as the drinks cabinet has been running a trifle low on the old Bombay Sapphire fire-water if you know what I mean. Anyway, One was very excited to finally get the update.

Seeing as it is supposed to be the best one so far One immediately set about trying to download a Gin & Tonic from the Claridges web site.

Dalai Lama and Happiness

Got Any Change?

Just been listening to some Bhuddist chappie on the wireless called the Dalai Pyjama.

Apparently, the soul is immortal! which means that I will bump into the first wife again at a some point.

But anyway the main point of his discourse was related to universal truth, enlightenment, peace and tolerance.

One found this all very interesting but One couldn't help but think this fellow had missed the fundamental point about life. 

The Perfect Greek Coalition

In need of a Doctor Greece?

Been reading about those Greekies trying to put together a coalition! Well how are they going to do that? 

I mean they can't manage an economy so how are they supposed to manage a coalition. It's all a complete shower!

The last time any coalition from Greece did any good to anyone was the so called 'Greek Doctor' This coalition of four parties works very well indeed. This is how the Greek Doctor Coalition works;

• Two bottles of Ouzo
• Two bottles of Vodka
• Two bottles of Orange juice
• and one bottle of Lemon juice

Mix it all together and then bottoms up! It is worth noting here that One must only use ice with this concoction if there is enough room left in the glass.

Still got the old banter

Last wife and Least!

One recalls the words of the last wife as she stormed out of the house,

'You'll never find another woman like me!!' 

Whereupon she turned to walk out the door

To which One responded

'One bloody hopes not'

It's just great being me!

One is not a Racist!

Recently been accused of being a racist!

Balderdash! One believes in 'live and let live,' fairness all round, equal rights, minimum wage and all that crap. 

One is not a racist, not me Sir by Jimeny oh no! One doesn't discriminate against anyone. One discriminates against everyone!

Especially people who discriminate against other people! These people should be banned from bars, buses, drinking Gin & Tonics and fine wines. 

They should be hunted down and strung up! 

Anna Nicole: What is True Love?

Married for Money!!!! Not me!

One has just been accused of marrying my current wife for her money! Poppycock! What a terrible accusation to make. This is an outrage! How dare these people impugn my standing in polite circles.

I think people who marry their spouses for money should be ashamed of themselves! Where is the dignity in that?

No Sir by Jimeny! I married my wife for her father's money. He's an absolute bounder!! Doesn't deserve a fraction of it and the blighter doesn't know what to do with it either. Spends it on bottles of Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Montrachet 1986 of all things!

To this end one is currently helping him to spend it having organised a trip to the Alton Towers Rollercoaster rides for this 92 year-old bleeder gentleman followed by a parachute jump, if you know what I mean....

Misleading Photographs

Where's the Manure?

One is sick and tired of seeing photographs in the newspapers that have little or no relation to the subject matter of the story. It's a disgrace.

Frequently, the photo will be of some scantily clad maidens in provocative postures indicative of pre-sexual activity.

Yet the story will be about a muckspreader that went out of control in Chipping Norton covering everybody in manure.

Center for Bio-Ethical Reform's Anti-abortionist Methods!

Greg Cunningham
'Look at Me Everybody!'

Just heard this Yankee Chappie, Greg Cunningham, who's coming to the UK to Protest about Abortion!.

Well if that is what the man wants to do then let him. But One doesn't like his methods!

He sticks large graphic pictures of the unborn all over the place in public areas. Doesn't he realise that some people have just eaten breakfast, fast food or a Kebab?!!!

One doesn't want this in One's face willy nilly in public!  Who does this bleeder think he is? People like him should be ashamed of themselves putting material of that sort up in public areas. It's the tactics of desperation!! It's a disgrace!

There's only one thing to do with his sort, take them to a shopping centre or train station and then string them up, draw and quarter them! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Freedom for Chen Guangcheng!!



Who am I? .



 Bravo to Chen Guangcheng for making his bid for freedom!!! He's done it. After two years under house arrest he gave the guards the slip and is on the run.

One despises oppression don cha know! We've been given mouths to speak so let's hear what everyone's got to say.

Apparently after his escape Chin Gunjam then issued a video for the authorities to ponder over.

Although One has to enquire as to why Chan Gundung chose to wear sunglasses to disguise himself? It's not as though it wouldn't help the authorties find Chon whether he had em on or off. I mean they all look the same in that part of the world so what difference would it make?

Social Cleansing in The Borough of Newham

Socially Cleansed

Just heard on the wireless about social cleansing in the London borough of Newham.

Apparently, the authorities there are sending riff-raff to Stoke-on-Trent for housing because it’s a damn site cheaper.

This is an outrage! Stoke-on-Trent is over 200 miles from London. 

It's not nearly far enough! How about the Isle of Skye? There's only a few people there and there must be a few abandoned houses so the rent will be really low.

Better still send the lot of em to the North Pole! There’s no houses there at all so rent would be free! And if they start complaining about the cold then just thrash the living daylights out of em don cha know!

Pippa Middleton's Arse?!

Up Yours!!!

Is this all there is left to talk about on this blasted planet? Pippa Middleton's backside! What in God's name is all the fuss about?

It's supposed to be incredible but let me tell you this. As far as one is concerned ones' backside is used for two things, sitting on and shitting out of! Just those two things!

Granted they can be used for kicking but that is a consequence of something. One doesn't offer one's backside to be kicked. One sits or shits!

So just remember those two things when someone next shows you a photo of her backside. She shits out of it and anyone who tries to make you believe otherwise is talking out of their arse!