Actors: A Modern Menace

Jolie Good Show

I was watching a documentary the other day, in fact several documentaries at the cinema no less when it occured to me that not everything in these 'documentaries' were as they seemed.

I first had a suspicion that something was a little fishy when I saw a magnificent documentary many years ago in which a businessman had brought dinosaurs back to life on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean by extracting DNA from mosquitos that had been preserved in amber from tree sap etc. 

Well it's just occured to me what the blazes is going on! Some of these documentaries have actors in them portraying people in real life! That's deception! It's misleading! It's a disgrace! 

Far too many actors are distrubed individuals anyway, some of them are even disturbed,  constantly trying to be the centre of attention, talking about themselves, copulating with as many people as they can get away with, astealing from clothes shops because they feel as though THEY shouldn't have to go through the indignity of having to actually pay for things, urinating in telephone boxes, hitting people, posing in restaurants, snorting drugs, starting up strange religions, joining strange religions and generally showing orff in public. Have they no shame?! (actually this sounds like quite a good night out!) 

Bum Implants

Stands In Front of Walls

By Berlusconi's balls what is the world coming to? Just look at this photograph? This person has had surgical thingybobs implanted into her buttocks to try to enhances her attractiveness. 

I'm sorry but who is she trying to attract with an enhanced arse? There are only two things that I know of that shows any interest in an arse. The first are the hounds, while the second is the minstrel Elton John so what's the point?

One supposes that may be in winter time the lavatory seat gets a trifle chilly so the buttock implants would cushion the more tender parts from the cold, in which case that isn't a bad idea especially if one could attach a battery to each implant and warm it up a tad.

How to deal with Religious People (who have a gun at your head)

Heaven or Piers mOrgan?

Right then, there appears to be an awful lot of hoo-haa going on these days with religious matters and what have you.

One doesn't really partake in this sort of thing as, like art, there are no right or wrong answers, just those with guns and those without!

How do Deal with the Paparazzi.

A Cat

The Paparazzi! Yes that's right the Paparazzi. These individuals make me want to throw up all over the place; floor, ceiling, walls, the cat etc, you name it and I'll throw up all over it.

The Paparazzi have been making a fortune unscrupulously snapping shots of wealthy, famous and glamorous people such as myself and Princess Diana for years by selling their photos to newspapers and magazines. 

What To Do If Your Plane is Hijacked?

Stewardess

Hijackings! Yes Hijackings, they seem to be everywhere these days and you never know when you may find yourself caught in one as you are on your way to your winter retreat or a ski resort.

By their very nature they tend to be tricky situations and at first glance may seem hopeless. However, I've come up with this marvellous four-step programme in order to deal with such a predicament and thus minimise the effect it could have on your winter break.