Losing One's Marbles!!

What is the blasted world coming to?!!!

I've been walking around all day aware of a ghastly smell in the air!

I thought it was the wretched estate next door experimenting with chemical toilets but no. Turns out I went to the kharzi this morning and forgot to pull my down my trousers!

That's the third time I've done that this week! Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

My God is this the way it ends for everybody? It's frightening if you ask me. Getting old and decrepit, loosing ones senses and all that mularky! Can't the blasted government do anything about it? No that's right they won't do anything about. They can put a trumpet player on the moon but ask em to stop aging and they pretend they haven't got a clue. It's a damn conspiracy if you ask me. In fact it's so frightening one could easily shit oneself if one thought about it too much.

Conspiracy Theorists!

You know One is absolutely sick to the tip top of my head with all the conspiracy theories going around about anything.

One has tried to address a couple of conspiracies on this Web Log, one a few days ago and one a few  months ago about President of the United States commonly known as K.F.C. or was that K.F.J or something like that.

Well one thinks that the conspiracy theorists are behind everything! I mean how many of those bleeders were in the Twin Towers when they were hit? Well? How many? None! And how many of them were there when the Fuckishima nuclear power station exploded? None! Furthermore how many of them were there when that fool Timothy McVie blew up that large government building in that movie 'Oklahoma?' Again None!

Greenhouse Gas Emissions

Gas Emissions

See this man? It's Kinnock! Remember him? The Welsh Wind-bag and one time bleeder of the opposition and I'm telling you this man has got a problem.
 
I was on a plane bound for that ghastly Gatwick Airport last night and it was Kinnock who jumped the queue infront of me. Apparently, working for that Fascio/Stalinist European Union entitles it's employees to queue hop. Well not in my books it doesn't.

So Anyway, mid-way through the flight, after the hostess had served me with my fourth glass of a rather cheeky little Cotes du Rhone, Reserve Chartreuse de Bonpas, Louis Bernard 2007 one had the need to visit the aeroplane's latrine. 

One got out of my first class chair and made my way to the little boys room. When I arrived the blasted door was locked and there was some person inside wiping their backside.

Well after ten minutes the door unlocked and it was old Kinnock again! The fool stepped out with a typical One-is-better-than-thou smirk all over his stupid face and returned to his seat. I then stepped into the kharzi and my God I can tell you, the stink?!

What in Bonaparte's Balls had that man eaten for lunch? It was horrendous! It was like some sick animal had crawled up his arse and died. Just how much gas he had emitted much have been incalcuable? My God it could have filled a bloody Zeppelin. And just how he was able to stay in their for that long is completely beyond me too. He must have been using a gas mask.

And God alone knows how is wife is able to lie in the same bed as him without being blasted out of the window every once in a while. If ever there was a reason for a hole in the ozone layer then he is it.

Just the thrust from his backside could have been enough to propel our aeroplane forwards to supersonic flight.

I'm not surprised that they banned smoking on planes with his sort flying in em, just one light from a match and the entire thing would go up into pieces.

Women in Show Business

Famous Enduring Women

You know one has been hearing alot recently about women in show business.

The general idea seems to be that the Hollywood studios take em in when they are young, stick em in a couple of films for cinema and then get rid of em in favour of the next new thing to hit the town. Or if they last a few more years than that they end up playing stereotypical roles once they get beyond the age of twenty-five, usually this is the role of a mother of two cute little bastardly children.

Iphone 5: Review

Those decent jonnies at Apple Inc had the wherewithal to send me one of their new Iphones for me to cast my opinion on.

One has to say that one was not as impressed as with the previous version. This was related mainly to issues of weight.

The previous incarnation was 20% heavier. As you can imagine this meant that when I threw the new Iphone 5 at some passing Gypsies when it hit one of them it caused less of an injury than the previous one did. Admittedly, I was able to throw it slightly further but one considers the distance in length was affecting the accuracy of my shot; the further away the target the more diffucult it is to hit. So whilst I was aiming to hit the eldest Gypsy child I actually hit her blasted mother instead.

How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!

In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

This is the real reason why the Twin Towers Fell:

Two Godzilla shaped Conspiracy Theorists thought their

Conspiracy was better than the bla bla bla....

Got this air-tight, tip-top conspiracy theory as to what actually happen on 9/11 in those dreadful events in New York, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania back in 2001.

It's a very controversial theory but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself.

Some codger called Bin Laden, who was in possession of large amounts of anger management issues, told a few of his cohorts to fly aeroplanes into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

The cohorts promptly jumped on a few aeroplanes, wrestled control of the things from the pilots and then flew them into the Twin Towers, the Hexagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

Religious Conversion

Had some noveau-religious people knocking on my door the other day. I thought they had come to read the gas metre at first as they were very well dressed. This was my first mistake! 

The second mistake was to not question their opening statement which went 'Do you want to be happy?' Stupidly I thought that these men from the gas board were there to give me free gas for a month, no! Instead they gave me free gas for about twenty minutes as they blabbered on about how their God had made them happy.

Well they weren't making me very happy I can tell you. They promised me that conversion to their religion would mean enlightenment. Enlightenment?! What the blazes is that supposed to mean? 

They went on to describe that Enlightenment would mean that while everybody else’s life would be dark mine would shine in amongst theirs like a deep golden shaft of light.

And if you ask me that exactly where I should have thrown these people; down a deep shaft, preferably one leading to a coal mine.

Pepsi Challenge

Cola Challenge

Was skulking along the blasted high street in Chipping Norton this afternoon when I was accosted by a tall attractive woman asking me if I wanted to take the Pepsi Challenge.

Always up for a chance to win some money I took her up on the offer.

She presented me with two cans of chemically coloured sugary water (can't beat a bottle of the old Chablis you know) and told me to chose which one suited my taste.

Homeless Children

That's The Spirit. These Kids Are Halfway There Already

Was intercepted in the street this morning by an attractive young womean (sic) asking me if I wanted to help with homeless children.

'Certainly Not!' I retorted. 'There's quite enough of the little perishers about as it is without me contributing more.'

One had had enough of children sponging off of me years ago with that bleeder of a son of mine Cuthbert. He did nothing but scrounge off me for the first six years of his life before I packed the little shit off to Eton.

David Irving - Holocaust Denial

Irving: In Denial

Just been reading about that tricky chappie David Irving.

Irving is a proponent of a theory that the Holocaust never actually happened and that it was all a lie.

Poppycock! Of course it happened! Holcausts have been around for centruries. The Romans were the first lot who organised em when they invaded Britannia in 42 A.D. don cha know!

Their holocausts were rather primative affairs but in essence were the same as 20th Century ones that are known more widely as under-floor heating, designed to keep a house warm in winter time.

Most Roman Villas in Britannia had a holocaust and the evidence is still there today. I know because I saw it on 'Time Team' with that ghastly little actor Tony Robinson.

People like Irving should be ashamed of themselves trying to distort history. There's only one thing to do with people like that, lock em in a room and turn the gas on! That's the only sort of language that lot understand.

Locked In Syndrome. An Explanation

Man On Floor

Locked-in syndrome is a ghastly stae of affairs that  can stirke a chap down will-nilly and the ladies too!

It can leave one totally incapacitated and completely dependent on others to fucnction in an ordinary everdy day sense.

This is what happens. One makes ones way to the nearest pub, orders a drinkie, then downs it pronto. One then orders serveral more drinkies and before one knows it one passes out under the table.

The landlord calls time and then buggers off home oblivious to one still being under the table.

After a while one awakens blabbering incomprehensibly due to the alchohol, staggers over to the door, passes water on the floor, throws up, then falls back down again on ones arse. All this to the tune of 'Glory Glory Halleluhjah.' One eventually gets to the door to go home but the blithering landlord has locked it! And there you are, locked-in syndrome. That's it in a nutshell.

Personally one can't see what all the hullabaloo is over this condition. I mean the last time it happened to me I just made my way to the optics and helped myself to a bottle of Gin and a bottle of tonic. You know the rest!

Pablo Picasso 'Guernica'

Very Nice Picture But Where is the Local Pub?

Guernica was created in response to the bombing of the town of the same name in the Basque Country in northern Spain.

The bombing was undertaken by German and Italian warplanes at the behest of Spanish Nationalist forces, on 26 April 1937, during the Spanish Civil War.

Neil Armstrong: An Obituary

Armstrong and His Trumpet

Today marks the passing of one of the real heroes of the United States of America.

Yes Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player to walk on the moon, has died at the age of 82.

Before becoming a trumpet playing astronaut he was a United States Naval Officer and had had an exemplary career as a pilot in the Korean war flying 78 missions, 20 of which were for combat: shooting down several Communist Balalaika playing fighter jets.

Purported Sex Pest Assange Found!!

Freedom to Speak & Rape and Molest?

Futher to my previous post about the purported sex pest Assange in which it was apparent that he had been lost in the Ecuadorian Embassy it transpires he has turned up at a window.

The purported Sex Pest Assange was found standing at a window spouting complete rubbish about how clever he is and that nobody understands him. 

Well he's right! I don't understand him! How he can blabber on about freedom of information yet not return to Sweden on allegations of being a sex pest is beyond me.

Strikes me that the fool needs to read Richard Dawkins' book 'The God Delusion' before highlighting just how clever he thinks he is.

Anyone would think that by the way he conducts himself he is nothing more than a citizen of some crippity crappity corrupt South American tin-pot dicatorship.

This'll Lift You Spirits

Having a Ball

Been aware that there has been lots of bad news on the blasted telly lately.

Well I've had enough of it don cha know!!

I've got just the tonic and this time it doesn't involve shooting animals. Yes I know bit boring but well when you've ran out of bullets you have to resort to clubbing the little beggars and I just can't be doing with that sort of thing.

Anyway, when One is feeling a bit hoarse and has ran out of weaponry one listens to this. Best to listen to it as loud as possible and on a decent set of speakers otherwise you just don't get the thundering of the drums. 

And take a look at the funny little conductor. Clearly he's having a ball and if he is why can't I? 

And remember... Loud!!..... and with Decent Speakers!

 

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids

Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.

Todd Akin: 'Women Don't Get Pregnant'

Doesn't Have Womb, Does Have Arse-Hole

Well Lawks-a-lordy I didn't know that! Some ghastly politico in the U.S.A. named Todd Akin has just revealed that rape victims don't get pregnant...

Apparently women's bodies are more intelligent than their brains and can choose whether or not to have a child conceived through non-consensual sexual intercourse. What is more women are not aware of this..... In fact nobody was except Todd Akin and presumably God too.

Well that's OK then isn't it!! So the purported-sex-pest-Assange doesn't have to face sexual assualt charges in Sweden any longer as the silly arse never endangered any of the women he is accused of fiddling with.

Also, by the logic of Akin, he wouldn't suffer pain if a mugger kicks him in his wedding tackle and he won't have to get diarrhoea if a penny pinching restaurant skimps on the cleaning duties and gives him food poisoning.

Furthermore, he won't bleed if a twit with a knife stabs him and finally he won't drop dead either if a burglar shoots the bleeder between the eyes.

Pussy Riot

Riotous Assembly

Just heard about the Russian Musical Ensemble called 'Pussy Riot' What in the name of Jove's Jockstrap is going on there then? 

These young ladies performed a political protest song in the middle of a church sermon. Thus upsetting the congregation and the like. Apparently they were protesting against the close links between the Russian Orthodox Church and President Vladimir Putin.

Purported Sex Pest Assange in Hiding

Is this the face of a sex pest?

For those not in the know this is Julian Assange the founder of Wikileaks.

This grasser is wanted by every government in the world for publishing their confidential communications, tip top secrets and whathaveyou.  

This snitcher is currently hiding in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London as he's facing extradition to Sweden because of allegations of sexual harrasment, rape and no doubt resembling a crettin.

At the moment the Ecuadorians have granted the dirty rat a Lunatic Asylum... (wish I knew what that meant)

What I don't get is if he's been hiding in the Ecuador embassy for the last two months why haven't they found him yet? One has been passed that embassy a few times and it isn't all that big. At max it would only have twenty rooms. Granted there are many cupboards and filing cabinets in it so the swine could be hiding in one of those but really... Two months! 

He could even be pretending to be a lampshade or a curtain but this is pushing it a bit far don't you think? Surely they must have smelled his B.O. by now?

The bit I find funny about this whole affair is that this man has spent his life dedicated to revealing everything he possibly can about governments, political figures and N.G.O's but isn't prepared to tell anyone HIS own whereabouts?

President Assad and the Conflict in Syria

Can't Buy Time

Just been reading about that beastly regime in Syria run by that ghastly Bashar Al-Assad.

The whole country has been a complete shower for nearly two years with insurgents battling it out against the government. Bashar Al-Assad's dad was in power for nearly forty years before that.

Both sides have been using force but the government has had nothing to hold it back as the international community has done nothing. Consequently it has razed whole towns to the ground killing and injuring thousands!

It's a disgrace. Governments are supposed to look after their people not massacre or over tax them! It could show moral courage by stepping down. Al-Assad's regime is after power for the sake power and the accompanying money that goes with it. All the ruling elite have vast piles of cash in Swiss Banks. They're all a bunch of arses! 

The whole lot of em are in it to use Syria to make cash for themselves! These people are in government for God's sake! They're supposed to be there for their own people not to cash in. They should do the decent thing, step aside, hand all the money back and go and live in exile in Russia not ingratiate themselves with riches and money and expensive luxury goods. Any excuse these bounder can find and they'll try to make a fast buck out of it! There is more to life than money don cha know! 

Anyway regarding the eventual outcome of this fiasco, here are the odds;

• 10/2 .....Lynch-mob captures Assad and shoots him.
• 28/4 .....Assad disappears completely.
• 1000/2 ...Assad beheads himself (bit bizarrre that one!)
• 5/2 ......Assad is caught and put on trial.
• 9/3 .....Assad scurries away to Russia (My Hot Tip) 

Best pay the tax before you put the money on otherwise you'll have to pay a stinker of a percentage if you win. Last thing anyone wants is the blasted tax man getting his hands on our money.

Young People and Moral Values

Moral Mission

What is it all for hey? I mean one has tried to be good but the youth of today just don't get it?

For example, I was cursed with the necessity of having to go into a shop this morning! Yes that's right the blasted servant strike is still on.

Anyway the youth behind the counter greeted me with 'Awrigh mate?'

Mate? I'm not his wretched mate! Wouldn't be seen dead with that sort in the vicinity.

Modern youth have no guiding principles any more! It's a disgrace! That's what the church was for don cha know, to guide people to give em a firm foundation in life. But not any more eey gads man by heavens not at all.

No when I was a youngster it was totally different! I was guided by strong principles and values based upon peace, tolerance wisdom, respect and love. They made me the man that I am today!

Furthermore, it was this background which gave me the courage and fortitude necessary to fight in the war and hold myself together without losing my mind.

If it wasn't for all this I would never have been able to undertake innumerable peace missions throughout the world against tyranny and oppression. These peace missions brought justice, equality and the rule of law to everybody in the form of literally hundreds of thousands of tons of high explosive bombs dropped on their trains, train stations, residential areas, schools, hospitals churches and heads.

50 Shades of Grey: Review

Mild Walk in the Park

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E.L.James set largely in the American city of Skidadle, it traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. 

Apparently this book is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism or BDSM as Lady Dooms-Patterson calls it. 

Well I've read this novel and I can tell you now that there's no more BDSM in this novel than what I used to get when I was at school in Harrow.

Olympic Games, Bloody Marvellous!

Olympic Flame Burns Onwards

You know one is a bit of a curmudgeon and not usually prone to sentimentality.

However, the London Olympic Games have been absolutely super and I just want to give three cheers to all the athletes, officials and volunteers who participated.

One thinks the games are a super shiny, tip-top example to all those out there looking to do something with their lives.

One doesn’t have to be something spectacular, just be something. So get outside and become something, even if it is just a runner in your spare time two or three times a week. Or walking to work instead of taking a ghastly bus!

Anyone can do this, even all those good people out there who are clinically obese. Also, drug addicts and the unemployed. Along with riffraff, the stupid, the unintelligent and lazy bastards too!

Not forgetting morons and oafs of course and shitbags, scum, trailer-trash, heathen swine and Piers mOrgan too. 

The last two weeks of this Olympiad have been the best! Well done one and all and three cheers to the next Olympics in Rio De Janeiro!



Sir Pery Ware-Armitage

Olympic Boxing Success

Investing in Today's Youth

The Olympic Boxing is just great! Anybody been following it?

You know boxing really is the noble sport going back over one hundred years. 

Today it has a firm foundation in the deprived areas of our towns and cities where successive blasted governments have failed to invest in the young people that so deservedly should have a better future.

It is to boxing that many of them turn to seek a way out of the urban chaos that can blight so many lives. It teaches discipline, respect and above all gives people a greater sense of self worth more than any government can provide.

Until governments start taking care of the youth of this country indeed of any country then Boxing is a way out for the deprived areas of our society. 

Also, there is nothing better on television these days than watching  working class people knocking the crap out of each other.

Urban Olympic Games

Fare-Dodge Champion

Javelin, discus, running, hurdles? All these sports were meant to reflect a chap’s abilities on the battle field in ancient times. That's what the Olympiad was devised for don cha know. That way nobody would get killed and everyone could have a jolly good old caper.

But these days the battle field has changed somewhat. So I suggest some new sports that reflect the modern warrior.

Weight Looting

1) The 100 metre drive-by shooting (self explanatory)


2) The Shove (Murderous policeman pushes a man to the ground with as much impunity as possible)

The Shove

3) Truncheon-Relay (a team of six policemen take it in turns to whack the crap out of someone)

4) The Suicide-Bomber hurdles

5) The Double-Jump (A hop and a jump onto a metro train pursued by three heavily armed policemen.)

6) Weight-looting (Running with a bulking object as fast as possible, i.e. plasma TV or microwave oven)

7) Fare-Dodging (jumping ticket barricades)

8) Arsen-o-thon (Setting fire to Buildings)

This is a complete winner! Think of the sponsorship deals. Any more suggestions do drop me a line.

The Mona Lisa

Mystery Smile Solved

The Mona Lisa or La Giaconda as they say in Italy.

Painted by Leonardo Da Vinci a long time ago this painting has come to encapsulate not only an era when women were supposed to hold mystery to men but it also encapsulates the mystery of the painter himself. An enigma of a man who made very good seafood vol-au-vonts (apparently)

Anyway, her smile has beheld mankind ever since its first display. The slightness of its inflexion, the curve of its lip, the colour of its skin. The message she was trying to convey, was it one of sadness, loss, grief or some or all of these. 

Or was she just a tease? Trying to tempt Leonardo away from his work with the promise of her heavenly body for him to take hold of and thrill her for eternity.

Olympic Shooting Sport



Found a Volunteer?

Just been hearing and reading lately about the Shooting competition in the Olympic games.

People have been complaining that it is dull. One feels one must point out that this is a very important sport with just as much validity as javelin, discus the 400m and whathaveyou. They all test a chap's abilities on the field and his competence with a weapon.

Granted the shooting is pretty static but one has a suggestion to breath a bit of life into it.

Lethal Drone Hits America

Drone

This is the weapon that everybody fears all around the world.

It is a drone that holds no mercy killing and maiming indiscriminately without feeling or empathy to all who stumble upon it.

It's methodology is simple. It hovers around for years on end until it can find a gap in the television schedules and then it inserts itself into that gap and hogs the screen for as long as possible.

Has Bean?

Good God what in Beelzebub's Balls was this clown doing in the Olympic opening ceremony? Making a complete arse of himself that's what he was doing.

He's another one who has had nothing else to do for the last 25 years except attract attention to himself. The fool does this by doing nothing other than pulling stupid expressions on his face and mumbling like a complete shower! Just like that woman Madonna.

Olympic Women's Badminton Teams disqualified!

No Idea About Cheating! A Disgrace!

Just read about the hoo-haa about the Olympic Badminton teams being disqualified!

Apparently the teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia were throwing the game so they could get an easy ride to the finals. Their tactic was to play badly in the heats but not so bad as they would get thrown out of the competition.

They did this by playing deliberate faults, playing into the net and generally looking very silly. In one game the umpire stepped in to sort them all out but even he failed. The teams even started getting booed by the audience as they were playing so obviously bad. The whole thing was a set up!

I mean who do these people think they are?! They're a disgrace! Fancy getting caught! Don't these people know how to cheat properly? You don't do it infront of thousands of people you bribe the umpires. Alternatively you can put laxatives in your opponents water. Even better you can crap yourself on the court and pretend that the opponents have put laxatives in your water. Then you will see them get disqualified, which is a bit more like it.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Lose Friends and Pass Effluence on People

Can't think of a more pointless book to read! Can't the author see that he has completely missed the point of life?

It's all about money! Money! Where in the book was the bit about Money? It's all very well him telling everyone what to do to be very popular AND influence them but what about if you don't want any friends. Well I don't have friends so what has he got to say about that?

No Sir By Jimeny I have servants (before they went on strike) I've been winning servants for years without having to be nice to them. Yes that's right I thrash the living crap out of em don'cha know!

And you can forget the influence too. I use effluence! Several buckets of that and the promise of an endless supply and the blighters will soon be doing anything you tell em to do, that's what makes the world go round!

Ye Shiwen; Olympic Dope.

Pumped Full?

Just realised what the solution is to all the blasted hoo-haa about Olympic athletes stuffing themselves with performance enhancing drugs.

 It's perfectly simple, just have a seperate Olympic games for everyone who takes them It'll be great!

Can you imagine how fast those stinkers will run once they've pumped themselves full with steroids? They'll shift like bloody rockets.

And the swimmers will go faster than speedboats!! Can you imagine that?

 I mean who cares what drugs they've taken? After all the first ex-wife pumped herself with tranquillisers for seven years and nobody complained about that.

Piers mOrgan in an Affair?

No Sex, Please I'm Piers mOrgan.

Piers mOrgan will never ever be the sort of man who goes around sleeping with other women.

No Sir by Jimeny he will not. Is this because of his deep moral values?

Is it his dedication to his wife?

Could it be his nature to be of good character and his desire to be a man of integrity?

F##KS NEWS...

Liberal Thinking

Just watched an American Telly Channel programme called Fucks News. 

Who do these bounders think they are? One inferred nothing but bias, ignorance, stupidity, lopsided stories, skewed interpretations of events and numerous fools talking about themselves.

I'm sorry but if these people are trying to be worse than me then they've got another thing coming! I'm not standing for it! My narrow minded opinions are worse than anybody elses on the entire planet! 

If they think they can be worse than me then bring them here! I'll give em short shrift don cha know!

I can't stand anybody and I don't care who knows! In fact I wouldn't want anybody to vote for me in an election. Can't stand the thought of being liked!

Next thing you know the Grande Levee come up to you asking for your autograph on toilet paper. I tell em to stick it up their arses!!

John Constable 'The Hay Wain'

Take a look at this 19th Century painting by P.C. John Constable.

After leaving the police force he took up painting and was considered to be relatively experimental because he enjoyed painting landscapes which were not critically acclaimed by the art world in England at that time.

However, in France he won awards for his work inspiring a new generation of painters like Delacroix.

Ghost in the House!

Drank my G&T!!

One doesn't believe in ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go 'bump' in the night normally but last night one had an encounter of the supernatural variety!

One had just returned from Lady Farquhar-Farquharson's Alcohol appreciation evening near Chalfont-St-Peter. As one walked though the front door one started to feel faint and a little not so tickety-boo.

Trying to calm one's self, one sat down infront of the fireplace with a splendid Gin given as a tax dodge from Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage last Christmas. Suddenly one felt overcome by some strange sopporific force.

Five hours later, in the early hours, one awoke to find that the Gin had completely gone leaving only the glass in my hand. Not only that but I suspect the same phantom was responsible for the load of ectoplasm all down the front of my shirt!

Going Down

Look at this damn fool! This is the man responsible for the cinema shootings in a town called Aurora in The United States.

The man coincided his killing spree with the premier of the new Batman film. Apparently Holmes thinks he is some kind of Batman nemesis character or some crap like that.

What on earth is that all about then? Didn't anybody ever tell this man that Batman is a fictional character from the Marvel Comic book series? Don't people know the difference between real life and fantasy? It's a disgrace!!

This is the real world not some fantasy comic book with fictional villans cavorting around committing daring acts of criminal derring-do. This man is obviously a joker.

The Laughing Policeman

Licence to Kill?

According to the UK Border Agency this country has over 275,000 failed immigrants living in this country! This is due to government cutbacks and not enough staff. It's a disgrace!

Half of them the government just can't find and the rest can't differentiate between a Claret and a Chardonnay.

Well I've got just the solution to make these people want to go back on the next plane.

That's right, send in P.C. Simon Harwood. The mere thought that this copper is on the case would be enough to put the willies up anyone! Including the innocent.

This policeman with will soon have the lot of these people running for the nearest airport pronto and anyone else too for that matter. That's the only sort of language they understand. Seeing as most of em don't speak English anyway.

The Olympic Shames

Doing a Runner

Just heard about G4S the private company responsible for the Olympic Games security.

This company ballsed the whole thing up costing millions and are now being bailed out by the taxpayer. That's yours truly!!

Well nobody asked me if I wanted the damn thing. The blasted government just decided to have the games and went ahead irrespective of any of my views. It's a disgrace!

Not only that but the blasted relay runners, carrying the Olympic torches are selling the damn things on Ebay! Not only that but people are buying them for lots of money.

The whole things is turning into a giant money machine thus undermining the ethos of this event It's a disgrace!

I get enough activity in my life thrashing the servants (before they had gone on strike) shooting animals, throwing IPads at people and crapping out of my window in Marseilles thank you very much!

If these people think they can use my money to pay for their sporting activities in future they can run a bloody mile!

Every Breath You Take

Read these Lyrics! Go on Just read them!

Every breath you take

He'll be watching you

And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Madonna Tit

Showed a Tit and is a Tit

That blasted woman Madonna is at it again.

Not contented with boring the entire planet senseless with her one-trick pony career for the last thirty thousand years she’s now exposing her micro-bosom to everybody on tour! This woman is clearly on Crystal Meths.

It’s a disgrace! Doesn't she have a moral compass? She's a right tit! (which incidently was what she was exposing) This woman needs to be taught a lesson but you just can't reason with people like that.

Scientology, Tom Cruise., Ray Bans & Constipation

Not Suffering from Ray Ban Induced Constipation

Just worked out why people who wear Ray Ban sunglasses look so miserable all the time.

It’s because they’re all suffering from constipation. Why had I not seen it before?

It explains why they all only answer questions with one word: it's the pain!

Well if these fools spent less money on pointlessly ultra-expensive things to cover their miserable fatuous faces with than decent nosh and a few sachets of immodium they wouldn’t have such constipationally induced pains in their arses. Which is exactly what most of these people are!

As far as I'm concerned they can stick their blasted sunglasses up their huge horrible hairy malodorous backsides!