One Direction ...

Pan

Just been reading about a band called One Direction. They are all about eight years old and dressed as if they were Nancy Sinatra. This isn't a band at all this is paedophile fodder!

I've spoken about this sort of thing before with as equally a dreadful little boy called Justin Briber, it's disgusting!

Youngters like this shouldn't be poncing around on a stage exposing themselves to gangs of paedophiles they should be in school learning to use the slide-rule or studying trigonometry,

Hats Orff...

Good God what the bloody hell is going on!?

I've seen some damn fool things in my time but this marks the beginning of the end. What was this individual thinking? They must be on drugs or worse still, blended scotch!

And just look at the colour of that material. I wouldn't be seen dead in it. It's a cross between pink lavatory paper and 50,000 volts through a person's wedding tackle! It's a disgrace!

Channel Tunnel: Complete Disaster!

Foreigner Getting on a Bus

Just been reading about a spat between The Channel Tunnel Consortium and those fellows at the EU. 

Apparently the EU are up in arms about the cost of the fares that the Channel Tunnel Consortium are charging.

The tunnel itself was opened in 1994 after ten thousand years of construction delays and all that sort of thing. It was supposed to facilitate a faster way to traverse the English Channel as opposed to the slow, stinking, latrine of a ferry full of Gypsies, Pagan Swine, manure and other types of people.

S.P.W.A. is a Patron of Charity

Unphoto-shopped brat in street

As one gets older one finds that one puts the world around one in a greater context and realises that there is more to life than resenting having to pay servants, (Assuming they even at least try to do a bit of blasted work that is.)

To this end one has decided to sponsor a charity for the purposes of feeding lower orders around the world. Typically the particular lower order is the one that is too disorganised to get the shopping in, afford servants, eat with a knife and fork and all that sort of thing. I mean look at this completely genuine, unphoto-shopped photograph of a poor little beggar whose handwriting is nothing like mine.

Assisted Suicide, Stephen Hawking & One's Own Experience

Just been reading an article on the BBC website about a science boffin called Stephen Hawking who thinks that helping people to kill themselves is morally acceptable. This is more commonly known as 'Assisted Suicide' 

Hawking was partially spurned to write this as his own condition is not all that tickety-boo from having sat idly in a chair all his life. One is not too happy-go-lucky about this subject feeling that life is for living and that any chance a person has of keeping hold of it should be embraced and all that sort of thing.

Stephen Hawking: Arse in Space

Drunkard

One has just been reading about that boffin called Stephen Hawking who has been talking about assisted suicide. 

The man thinks that it is OK to help ill people end their lives if they are going to kick the bucket with no prospect of recovery.

Proud to be British

Pride in Britain

Oh the blasted Press are at it again. Not content with having absolutely bugger all to write about since getting a lashing from Lord Leveson's Public Enquiry they are doing their usual fall back position and bringing up the war again under the mistaken belief that we won it!

Well let me tell you something, we didn't win that war! We damn well got thrashed! Everybody thinks we won it but, by Jove's jockstrap we had our sorry arses hauled from one end the world to the other.
The cover story that we beat Herr Hitler and his National Socialist nincompoops was all very well and everyone swallowed it up wholeheartedly.

NSA, Prism, Edward Snowden and Jennifer Aniston

Aniston

Just been reading about the complete farce of the PRISM scandal over in the United States of America. Apparently the boffins in charge over there are so paranoid about security issues and people trying to attack the place that they felt it would be a good idea to start eavesdropping on what people were saying to each other and that includes Miss Jennifer Aniston.

There was a small problem though, the  N.S.A. had,  (National Security Agency is a body designated by former President George W.C. Bush to protect the American people including Miss Jennifer Aniston  from a handful of loons on the other side of the planet who have killed less American people than Americans that die from Obesity related issues per month) They didn't know precisely whom to monitor. So with the help of several projects called PRISM,

Anti-LGBT laws in Russia

LGBT acts banned from Restaurants

Having been force-fed LGBT matters down one's throat over the last 20 years one feels that one should bally-well write something about it.  One is in favour of equality and all that sort of thing but recent events in Russia have caused uproar around the world.

Personally, one thinks that the Russians are taking this matter all the wrong way and that their legislature and President Mr Vladimir Putin have a lot to answer for!

For example, it is now illegal for people under the age of 18 years to see material concerning LGBT issues. Furthermore, it is an offence for anyone under 21 to partake in LGBT acts! The country has gone back to the Stalin era! It's a disgrace

I mean  why youngsters should be prevented from this sort of activity in the school dining room is completely beyond me? Also they are prevented from reading and partaking in this sort of thing in public restaurants too! What kind of a society do they have there? 

Cyber-Bullying

Seems to me that the latest hullabaloo the press have got their claws into is cyber-bullying!

Well despite the press being a motley collection of arses they appear to have got something right for a change.

Cyber-bullying is a modern phenomenon whereby a youngster connects to a social web site of some description and converses with complete strangers. The strangers, after offering endless platitudes to their victim, then start to hurl abusive comments and suggestions to their victim that they should consider ending their own lives. 

This is pitiful! Just what in God's name is wrong with these people?  They are an absolute shower. One can scarcely contain one's disgust at this outrage! I have only one thing to say to these people! Bloody well stand up for yourselves!

If you are going to end it all just because some bufoon calls you an oik then you might as well go and hang yourself!! The damn lot of you. You're probably ugly as well and your mummy shits in plastic supermarket bags. If you people weren't so damn obese you would be able to get out of the blasted bedroom and go out and do a bit of exercise instead of lounging around on your great arses wallowing in your own blubber.

As I see it the best way to put an end to cyber bullying is for you weaklings to go outside, find a nice quiet spot in a forest and then put a bullet through you head. Hell is waiting for you you ugly, B.O. ridden, incontinent, bedragglehorn. If you're too much of a coward to do it yourself then send me your details and I'll send the boys round to ....

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Adele: Not a Fat Cow!

Not Half a Ton

Just been reading about a popular singer called Adele. Aside from the fact that she also has here own brand of personal computers she apparently also has a very good singing voice. Now this is all tickety-boo but the media, as usual, appear to have a problem with her weight.

In fact the blasted media seem to have a problem with everybody's weight. Apparently, one must be the perfect weight because one never finds oneself in the newspapers or silly magazines in reference to this matter. But one digresses.

In an interview with 'Marie Curie' magazine Adele put the entire matter of her size to rest by saying simply  

'I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears.'

Ivory Coast Prison Solutions

Prison Barge

Just been reading about a ghastly little prison riot in the town of Abidjan on the Ivory Coast. The prison houses some of the Ivory Coast's most lethal little shits the country has every produced.

Their notoriety was compounded and exacerbated by the civil war there are few years ago in 2011 in which only two or three British people had to leave their premises for the United Kingdom. Thousands of local people were also killed. 

So the prison is home to many of those accused of war crimes, indeed former President Gbagbo Baggins and his wife were even there at one point before being carted off to the Hague in Holland for crimes against Huge Manatees. Strange, I thought Manatees lived in the New World! So anyway the riots are being conducted by inmates and some of them have been killed.

Well it's just not good enough!! You need to show this complete shower of individuals who is in charge by taking charge! You can't ask em politely to pull themselves together and snap out of it! These people are sick.

So my remedy is quite simple. First thing close the prison down. Then move all the inmates, pronto, to a new facility. This can easily be done sharpish by putting them all on a prison ship there are many of them available, for instance I saw one in a documentary on the telly the other day. It was very large, had lots of space, could even fly and it was called Battlestar Galactica. Once on board, give the prisoners some decent nosh and something to do and that'll soon have em quietening down. 

Then, when the ship is full with this detritus criminal scum you can move on to the next stage. For me this is the most important part but there is the problem of not only how to sink it but also where. Sink it wrongly and you may only capsize the damn thing leaving some of the inmates alive. Then even if you do sink it properly you may sever an oil pipeline or a telegraph cable.

S.P.W.A: Life and Afterlife

Legacy

As one gets on a bit one has to start thinking about how one is going to leave this earth, what to leave to whom and also one's legacy. 

Whilst a trifle morbid these things are a fact of life and one has to find a way to come to terms with how much of a loss one will be to everyone once one has gone. To pass away peacefully with serenity and tranquility is much desired and is also a way for those close to one to come to terms with the moment of passing. Indeed some set aside some finances to help with a charitable fund of some nature or install a bench in a local park for others to sit and ponder life's meaning.

Well not me! When I die I'm going to take as many people with me as I can. Why should I be the one to die? I've paid my blasted taxes to the blasted Government for my whole blasted life so they can jolly well get their act together and find a blasted cure. I didn't drop bombs on working class people in the East End during the war only to leave this planet with the job undone.

No if I die then the blasted servants will be coming with me for a start! I've had to pay their wages for years! And that strike their on, now is in it's second year, well, they won't have anyone to pay em anything if I snuff it tomorrow!  And then there is that rotter of a son of mine Cuthbert Ware-Armitage. That perishing little shit has been extracting money from me since the day he was born and I'm damn well going to see to it that he doesn't get a penny after I've gone.

In fact I've left instructions that if I die then all my money is to be burned and all my property blown up so nobody can get a hold of it, especially the government! Then all my land is to be napalmed, sprayed with Agent Orange and then dug up and dumped in the sea. Nobody's getting a thing out of me!

And then I've ordered all the people responsible for burning my cash and blowing up my property to be shot. And then to have those people shot too. And then have their houses and streets bombed and erased from the face of the...


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Trenton Oldfield: Cart him off!

Tubular Balls

Just heard on the wireless about Trenton Oldfield, The activist who produced a terrible album, called 'Tubular Balls' in the early 1970's in protest at government cuts and Prime Minister Edward Heath's stupid laugh.

The man swam out into the middle of the river Thames and started playing some Tubular Bells during the Oxford and Cambrige boat race.

And that was it! For this act of protest he has been ordered to leave the country. It's a disgrace!! I mean people like Abu Hamza are responsible for planning horrible deaths in this country and they gets to stay. Not to mention Simon Cowell and Les Dennis! At least Piers Morgan left on his own accord.

I had twenty guineas on Cambridge to win that race and I came away with nothing! Didn't even get my original stake back as the wretched bookies told me that it was all null and void. 

This is all because of Trenton Oldfield! People like him make me want to vomit! Well I think we should throw the book at this sort of individual and punished him properly. I mean really make him regret it, send him somewhere where he won't see his friends nor family for years

That's right put him on a boat and cart him off to Australia. That's the only sort of language his type understand.

S.P.W.A. and the Work/Life Balance

One understands the importance of an all round Work/Life balance and that is why one has been a strong advocate of all this sort of thing all ones life.

For one, a work life imbalance proves very difficult to sustain on a long term basis. I mean one has just to look at ones family life and the stress it can play with the wife and even the girlfriends too if you let it get out of control. Also the imbalance lead to many problems with ones own ghastly children and relatives in general.

And because of this work started to become affected too. In general one feels that a Work/Life imbalance is important for all and sundry.

So the first thing one did was to reduce ones hours per week from as much as 60 down to 30 hours per week down the pub. Also one decided to reduce the amount of Gala Luncheons one attended from five per month down to two per week. One was also able to make other improvements; to spend more time at the family villa in Tuscany while the family stayed in Chalfont-St-Peter. More time with the children was also facilitated and one was able to hire another nanny for them to play with. 

Of course some sacrifices were needed in order for a complete balance and to help pay the extra nanny one sacked  few dozen staff and managers at Ware-Armitage Motors and The Ware-Armitage Munitions factory whilst instructing the others to work more hours for less money and all that sort of thing.

Anyway, since instigating a better Work/Life balance one has felt much more at peace and is able to sleep much better, appreciate life more and at the same time have a little extra cash due to the sackings. Ones mind is at peace.

Gay Marriage?

Husband

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

Wife

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz

Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 


This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.

Prof. Robert Edwards: An Obituary

Father Again for the Umpteenth Time

Just been reading about Professor Robert Edwards who died at the age of 87. This was the man who help literally hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant.

The dirty bleeder!! Didn't think it was possible for someone like him to do it at all let alone with hundreds of thousands of women. He must have been at it all day for the last thirty years! The man is an animal!

He shoud be ashamed of himself! The man is a beast! And what exactly is it that women see in him? I mean he was 87 and looked like a prune! I knew I should have been a doctor! Women love that sort of thing in a man. It's shameful!

How did he get away with it? And there is the blasted cost! All those children must have cost a fortune! Where did he get the money from? Let alone the energy. One can barely manage it once a week let alone do it with hundreds of thousands of women. He must scarely had the chance to go home. No wonder he's got such a massive grin on his face. It's just not fair!

International Woman Day

Celebrating Woman

Right then so it's International Woman Day today. This movement is relatively new insofar as it started in the Former Colonial Imperium which is now called the United States of America. 

Woman Day was first observed in February 1908 don cha know and was supported by a load of socialists from the American Socialist Party, can't ever imagine a party called that not being bombed by the CIA but that is another matter.

Anyway so Woman Day celebrations are in order! So myself and a few of the fellows;

Fruity Metcalf, Boxey Mathers, Nickelarse McSpadden, Smellytooth Martin, Lefty Wright, Satellite Dave, Herny Werny, Nudge O'Rielly, Popeye Roe and Hyphen Fitzgibbons-Boots Junior are all going out to celebrate.

Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.