Police: Syria Girls Negligence

Do you want my number!

One of the fathers of the three silly little school girls who ran away to Syria has rounded on the police for not doing their job properly.

The father of Amira Abase stated that his daughter was a good daughter and it wasn't her shitting fault she thought it would be a GOOD idea to go the Islamic State controlled area where gays are defenestrated, foreigners beheaded, ancient artefacts destroyed and killing those with whom you have a differing opinion is acceptable.

When asked who he thought was responsible for his daughter's actions his response was unequivocal, 'It's the police,' he said, if they had been monitoring HIS daughter she may well still have been with him and instead someone else's silly daughter's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.

World Book Day

Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely marvellous don cha know!

World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.

Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.

In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.

Artificial Intelligence

Intelligence

Right then! I've heard some absolute ARSE in my time but this week I heard something that had more ARSE in it than all the other ARSE I've heard in my time put together. 

Some boffin called Demis Hassabis has been spouting on about how clever he is and also how clever his company called DeepMind is. The boffins at DeepMind have been concentrating on developing artificial intelligence for computers. 

NHS Winter Meltdown

Freezing Cold Journos (Please don't laugh aloud)

NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. 

How to Prevent Hatred on Twitter and Facebook

Trouble-Making

Right then! There appears to be a lot of hatred and negativity on the internet these days about anything that is possible to be hateful against. Typically it always seems to be focussed on people of different religious beliefs, cultures and nationalities. This hatred is usually characterised by the differences between people rather than what we have in common. It's a disgrace!

Socialist Potholes

Typical Socialist Pothole

Just been reading about potholes! Yes that's right pot holes. Apparently the UK government has allocated £168 million of MY MONEY to 148 local councils (over 60% of which are socialist) across the country to fix the blasted things. It's a disgrace!

But what is a pothole anyway? Well it's a large hole in a road that forms when predominantly socialist councils behave like absolute sha'ars and neglect to do things properly. Typically surface water undermines the road surface substrata weakening it's structural integrity, (this is, incidentally the same principle that socialists use to take over councils, metropolitan areas and nations. 

Tip-Top Counter-Terrorism Plan

Sainsbury's

Right so I was eating breakfast in bed this morning, smoked kippers and champagne as a matter of fact when I had this tip-top wonderful idea to prevent those sexually frustrated terrorists attacking and destroying public buildings and famous monuments, like the attacks in New York on the World Trade Centre way back in 2001. In fact my idea was so splendid that I fancy it can be applied to any major city throughout the civilized world facing this sort of threat. It's also fast, cheap and easy to implement. This one's going to be a winner I can tell you!

Right then, down to business, first thing to do is to locate your city that is under threat say for example London. Once you've done that you will need to evacuate the place. This must be done pretty sharpish as if these terrorist twits get wind of your plan they may be inclined to make a pre-emptive move thus rendering your plan very silly and you don't want that happening. I fancy the evacuation should take no more than four hours, anyone left in the city after that is probably on drugs anyway so who's going to notice if they have left or not?

Return the Elgin Marbles Say I!

George Clooney

Just been reading about Camal Clooney, wife of multi-millionaireHollywood actor George Clooney, sticking her oar in about the subject of the Elgin Marbles. Well what has it got to do with her I ask you? She gets married to a Hollywood superstar, who is jealous of my looks and then launches this campaign to try and freeze me out of the limelight. It's a disgrace!

Err... anyway for those who are not well versed in this matter the Elgin Marbles are a collection of Classical Greek marble sculptures, inscriptions and architectural pieces, hand crafted by Davros Phidias and his assistants a million years ago that were originally part of the temple of the Parthenon and other buildings of the Acrapalot.

Terrorism in Paris

Errorists

There was error in Paris as extremists brought fear and panic to the streets. 'I awoke in the morning and it was just an ordinary day but by the time it had finished there was fear, panic and error everywhere.' said one Paris resident.

What had started as an ordinary day finished with thousands of journalists from all over the world, except the Islamic State spreading fear, panic, lies exaggeration and error.

How to Prevent ILLEGAL Immigration.

Plague

Right then! One is fed up with the subject of illegal immigration! It's all been blown out of proportion and hardly anybody knows what to do about it and any time someone proffers a solution then some arse comes up with a counter-argument resulting in nothing happening! It's a disgrace!

Cross Dresser Closet Conundrum.

Right then, it's only the sixth day of the new year and already I'm having problems at Ware-Armitage Munitions Inc.

You may recall Ware-Armitage Munitions Inc is a defence industry manufacturer for all domestic and external needs that need defending against things attacking your defences.

Well that's enough of that. So here on the sixth day of the new year one stinker of an employee had tried to go and shaft everything at my expense. I reckon it was deliberate myself but due to me being very clever I outsmarted the bleeder him.

Ladies: How to Tell if Your Man Truly Loves You.

Gasometer and George

Right then, ladies. How can you tell if your man is truly in love with you? This is an age-old question, one that has been mystifying women since the time of Adam. Indeed it has been mystifying menfolk too but only since the day they marry. 

Black Friday Spreads to UK

Black Friday Victim

Just been reading about that dreaded sickness called 'Black Friday" arriving in the UK!

The sickness started in the United States of America in 1961 in Philadelphia where people went mad on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

The Black Friday sickness is spread by contact with consumer goods. Most particularly virulent is with consumer electronic goods but can just as easily be spread through white goods, fashion items and cheese sandwiches.

Latest Eurozone Forecast Results

 Growth Forecast 

Results just released this morning show disappointing results from both France and Germany over the third quarter. Both countries have been affected by the economic slow down that has brought havoc across the Eurozone. 

In total Germany has seen only a 0.1% rise in news stories worthy of talking about which, in practical terms means a total of 10,352 news stories across the media in the third quarter. Meanwhile in France news stories have done better than expected at 0.3% for the same period equating to nearly 17,645 different news stories.

How to Obtain Clean Cutlery at a Restaurant?

Dirty Fork

Etiquette is becoming more and more important these days as more and more illegal immigrants enter the country. As this facet of modern life encroaches deeper into our daily lives standards start to slip, leading to carelessness, carelessness leads to apathy and as we all know apathy leads to global conflict. 

This is why I feel it is important to make a stance and ensure that the important things in life are maintained at all costs. Take, for instance, cutlery. Clearly, clean cutlery is essential to maintain high morale else anarchy ensues and all that sort of thing.

Women only Carriages on the Metro?

Right then! I've had to endure the loonacy of listening to the radio and people blabbing on about the most ridiculous notion. It all centres around the idea of women-only-carriages on underground train stations. 

The idea has been proposed by an MP (who else could invent such a thing) called Claire Perry who is also a transport minister. The idea behind it is due to the ever increasing abuse that women suffer at the hand of arses to cowardly to start on someone their own size.

Ridiculous Smoking Ban in Public Parks!

Banned!

Right then! Do you see this photograph? do you? Do you see anything wrong with it? Do you see a war crime being committed? 

No! Well neither do I but what's happing in this photograph will soon become an historic anachronism if a bunch of, loons stalking the corridors of power have their way! 

What Lord Ara Kharzi of the London Health Commission is trying to do is to ban smoking outdoors in public parks, beaches, outdoor swimming pools, outdoor sex parties and zebra crossings all over Greater London area in order to make everybody healthier. It's a disgrace!

Solution to one of Middle East Matters

250 yards south of Ashford Bypass

Right then, there's an ongoing conflict in The Levant don cha know between Israelites and Palestinians  that doesn't appear to have any light at the end of its tunnel. Apparently this conflict has been going on for the last twenty billion years and with the exception of the bloodthirsty media, people want it brought to an end. 

Kafka: A Critique

Pointless Pointlessism...

Right then! I was given a book a while ago, for which I was very grateful for as it gave me something to put my tea on to stop the table getting a circular stain. Very useful don cha know. 

Nevertheless, for some reason this book had managed to work its way in to my head since it was given to me and I thought I would give it a whirl and stop using it as a tea/matt. The trouble then was what to do with it. I mean you can't have books lying around whilst the table tops are unprotected so I bought some proper coasters for the table.

Organic Food

Right then, there seems to be a terrible hullabaloo these days about organic foods. Apparently a lot of
modern foodstuffs are industrially produced over-salted, over-sweetened petrochemicals that, whilst taste quite delicious, are in fact no more nutritious than a cold shower

This all means that what we eat is slowly killing large percentages of the population which is generally frown upon. Also manufacturers of these 'foods' are getting away with it, disgraceful, and also making a lot of money in the process, umm..