Gay Marriage?

Husband

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

Wife

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse

Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Horse Manure!

Can't Give a Shit

Just how is it possible to get horse manure wrong?!! I mean just what the blazes is going on in this country?

With the summer here one needs to move tons of manure onto the garden for good produce come harvest time. I find this back-breaking work for servants to do but I soldier on.

However, because of the wretched servants strike about to enter it's eighteenth month one has had to go to outsiders for one's manure.

So I went to the Gypsies next door and asked them to come round and leave as much of their shit as possible next to the kitchen garden. And this they did without let or hindrance, I paid them by the ton. All very nice, how could that possibly go wrong?

Well later that afternoon some fool from the local borough council visited and insisted on taking a sample of the manure just for examination he said. Poppycock, this clown was out to cause trouble.

Within a day half the blasted council were round my estate accompanied but the Old Bill! They placed me under arrest and before I knew it I was in a cell at the police station! The indignity of it all!! 

And it was all the fault of those pagan swine Gypsies. I gave them specific instruction NOT to use the manure from my racehorse stables and instead steal it from another farm. This was because all my manure contains traces of performance enhancing drugs, painkillers, Banned muscle toners, andrenaline activators and all that sort of thing etc.

Well that's the last time I use those damn Gypsies! You just can't trust anybody these days! Even the bloody horse manure is shit these days!

Aung San Suu Kyi: An Obituary

She Was A Girl From Burma-ingham

Just been reading about Aung San Suu Kyi.

She was the world famous and respected politician who campaigned against the military dictatorship in her home of Burmingham, a large industrialised urban conurbation, situated in the West Midlands/Alabama.

Suu Kyi was born at a very young age and was immediately named after her mother's side salad as she was born in a Nepalese restaurant.
She stood for election in 1990 against the military government of Burmingham Alabama/West Midlands and beat them into second place. The bounders then invalidated the election simply because they couldn't pronounce her name.

Suu Kyi was very upset by this and went home for the next 21 years to sulk and also to refuse to come out and say hello, even to the milkman. As part of this sulking, Aung San Suulk Kyi recieved a large international following with dozens of countries giving her totally meaningless accolades and awards. For Example, she received the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought in 1990. Well that's hardly a big deal is it. Even a trifle can think now can't it!

Then in 1991 Ang San Sulk Kyi received the Nobel Peace Prize. Again, sitting at home watching the blasted telly and blowing off all day is hardly going to start a World War now is it? Even I could get a peace prize for that.

Also, in 2007, the Government of Canada made Angst San Sulk Kyi an honorary citizen of that country. See what I mean? What's the point of making someone a citizen of a country when they won't even leave their own house prefering to blow off and watch the blasted telly all day?

Then in 1979 the Sex Pistols wrote a song about her in which they said:

Lydon Sings to Aung

She was a girl from Burma-ingham

She's just had an abortion

She was case of Insanity

Her name was Sulky 

and she lived in a tree

Or something like that. But anyway, she was a great politician who fortunately liked staying at home. I just wish more of that lot would follow her example.


 

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz

Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 


This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.

A Hand Up!

Welcome to England

Recently not been feeling tickety-boo so one went to the Docs for a check up and all that sort of thing. 

Anyway, the fellow appeared to have a speech impediment and when I pointed this out to him he told me that he was foreign! That's what you get with today's Nation Health Service don cha know. 

This jonny foreigner listened to the old ticker and that was fine, blood pressure was a little on the high side but nothing too much to worry about so one was pleased as punch with all that. The foreign Doctor then said he wanted to get an indication of me prostrate. One thought this was a little odd as what difference would it be to give me a check up if I was lying on the floor?

Nevertheless one got on the floor face down and waited. There was complete silence from the foreign Doctor. I asked the fellow what he was waiting for to which he replied 'You will need to take your clothes off Mr Ware-Armirage. 

'Sir Percy Ware-Armitage' not 'Mister,'  This fellow was starting to annoy me. What does he think I am some kind of prole? This was all very peculiar. One couldn't actually see why this foreign Doctor wanted me on the floor prostrate with my clothes off. But one is a tolerant sort of fellow so I undressed and got back on the floor face down. 

The Doc then asked my why I was on the floor. I mean the man is a complete fool you can't prostrate yourself anywhere else. The definition is 'To lie on the floor' I told the bleeder this and he got all funny with me. He then ordered me to get on the bed face down. By this time he was really beginning get my gander up! So one got up off the blasted floor, stark naked and got on the examination bed! 

And then you will never guess what this pervert did? He started to shove his hand up my arse! Of all the indignity! It's a disgrace! I knew there was something wrong with the blighter as soon as I saw him. Who the hell do these people think they are? I mean it's not as though he was my old geography teacher back in Eaton! Naturally I was out of that place like a shot and I won't be going back there again.

The whole episode is a disgrace! One reported it to the police and they just laughed at me! The shame! Terrible. The humiliation of it all. Well I am never going to let this happen again no Sir by Jimeny I will not! I can tell you now that if anyone is going to try to stick a hand up my arse then it is going to belong to an Englishman.

Gunther Von Häagen-Dazs

Ice Cream

Just seen an extraordinary exhibition by some chappie called Gunter Von Häagen-Dazs.
 
Could scarcely believe my eyes this Haagens-Dazs fellow takes his own brand of ice-cream and then feeds it to dying people.

Thatcher Funeral: The Sponsorship Deals

My Sentiments Exactly!

Saw that funeral yesterday of Thatcher! That Grocer's daughter, or should that be groser daughter? caused havoc and chaos to every man, woman and child across the country during her reign! It was a disgrace. For everyone the suffering was unimaginable! 

These politicians are notorious for being completely out of touch with real life. Wallowing in their government mansions in central London and in the countryside at Chequers and Chievening and bathing in copius amounts of Taxpayers money.

Boston Terrierist Attack: Conspiracy Theory

Boston Terrierst Attack

Been reading about the Boston Terrier Attack during the Marathon there on Sunday. Ghastly state of affairs don cha know.

Three people lost their lives in the attack and many more were injured, it's dreadful!

Great Auntie Fitzgibbon-Armitage used to have several Boston Terriers and they were quite friendly little bleeders one can tell you. So what possessed a group of them to go on the rampage during the Boston Marathon is beyond me?

Whilst Boston Terriers are clever little bastards one didn't think that they were capable of engineering a bomb! Obviously we have completely underestimated them. 

One did some research late last night after returning home from the pub (three bottles of an excellent Chablis.) From what I understand they have an entire global network organised and run by a certain Terrierist called Jack Russell and his gang called the Yorkshire Terrierists or something like that and it is the American Stafforshire Terrierist branch that is obviously responsible for Sunday's outrage.

International Terrierism is responsible for many an ill of the modern world and it is these Terrierists that have alot to answer for! But you just can't tell a good Terrier from a bad! So you never know if there is a Bad Terrierist in your midst! The answer? Well it's easy, round them all up and put them on an island in the Atlantic Ocean, preferably Labrador.

Prof. Robert Edwards: An Obituary

Father Again for the Umpteenth Time

Just been reading about Professor Robert Edwards who died at the age of 87. This was the man who help literally hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant.

The dirty bleeder!! Didn't think it was possible for someone like him to do it at all let alone with hundreds of thousands of women. He must have been at it all day for the last thirty years! The man is an animal!

He shoud be ashamed of himself! The man is a beast! And what exactly is it that women see in him? I mean he was 87 and looked like a prune! I knew I should have been a doctor! Women love that sort of thing in a man. It's shameful!

How did he get away with it? And there is the blasted cost! All those children must have cost a fortune! Where did he get the money from? Let alone the energy. One can barely manage it once a week let alone do it with hundreds of thousands of women. He must scarely had the chance to go home. No wonder he's got such a massive grin on his face. It's just not fair!

Margaret Thatcher: An Obituary

Margaret Thatcher in her role as Meryl Streep

Just heard about the death of Lady Margaret Thatcher

This incredible woman was a controversial character that was both divisive and yet decisive. Her life was a series of struggles with the established order and with the men and institutions of her time.

The hightlight of her career came when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in the film The Iron Lady where she portrayed Meryl Streep who had won three general elections for her portrayal of a Leader of the Conservative Party.

The Coriolis Effect

No Coriolis Effect with Trixabel.

Was looking down the plughole yesterday eve when I noticed that as the water drained away it all went in a clockwise direction down the hole!

One has noticed this kind of thing before, notably on occasion, as one was thrashing one of the servants. As the swine was lying in the gutter. He passed water in his trousers and as he did so much it all flowed into the drain in a clockwise rotation.

After doing some research one has learned that the water always spins away in a clockwise direction on the top of planet earth whilst on the bottom of planet earth it always spins in an anti-clockwise direction and that this is an absolute!

Codswallop! It’s not an absolute at all! That’s what I say and I say ‘Tish and Nonsense.’ This is clearly nonsense. Doesn’t matter where one is on Earth water and urine can spin any direction it damn well likes and here is how I know...

 I was at the Gogo-Pogo Night club last night and there was Trixabel doing her routine with her tassels. And I tell you something. There was no external force influencing those swingers and lawks-a-lordythey were spinning it two directions at the same time! If there was a Coliolis Effect there then I can tell you it wasn’t doing very much!

If anyone out there doubts this then pop along to the Gogo-Pogo. For a small fee Trixy will give you a demonstration of the lack of a Coriolis Effect.

3D without Glasses!!

Lady MacBeth

Was dragged out last night by Dame Brunhilda Babcock-Heatherstonehaugh last night. Don't mind her but she likes things like culture and education. The only culture one prefers is that which one finds in a distillery if you know what I mean?

Anyway turns out that it was a fun-a-plenty evening in the end as we went to a theatre to watch a film called MacBeth. This was at Drury Lane some place that one finds simply ghastly.

Anyway to my surprise the entire show was in 3D. Not only that but technology as moved on so rapidly that one didn't need to wear 3D glasses. One could simply watch the whole performance unaided.

And the actors just stood out from the background all the way through! Incredible! There was one part where the actor appeared to forget his lines and I was a trifle surprised that they hadn't edited it out before showing one supposes that one can't have everything. Still the entire thing was amazing it looked as if the actors were actually standing on a stage performing their lines. And the amazing thing that happened was some fellow in the audience let his blasted mobile telephone go off during the show and one of the actors in the film appeared to look at this rapscallion and tell him to bugger off! How do they do it?

The only odd thing about it was that as the evening drew on the show started to become out of focus. One noticed this earlier on but after a swig of the old fire-water the focus came back. But after a while no quantity of liquid engineering was able to bring the show back in to focus at all, despite it all still being in 3D.

Eventually the entire theatre shut down the lights as one suspects that the 3D effect had drained the theatre of all its power. Very sad

International Woman Day

Celebrating Woman

Right then so it's International Woman Day today. This movement is relatively new insofar as it started in the Former Colonial Imperium which is now called the United States of America. 

Woman Day was first observed in February 1908 don cha know and was supported by a load of socialists from the American Socialist Party, can't ever imagine a party called that not being bombed by the CIA but that is another matter.

Anyway so Woman Day celebrations are in order! So myself and a few of the fellows;

Fruity Metcalf, Boxey Mathers, Nickelarse McSpadden, Smellytooth Martin, Lefty Wright, Satellite Dave, Herny Werny, Nudge O'Rielly, Popeye Roe and Hyphen Fitzgibbons-Boots Junior are all going out to celebrate.

Lord Rennard is a Sex Pest?

Wants It

Just been reading about Lord Rennard  of the Liberal Democratic Party.

Apparently this rapscallion has the compulsion of asking women in his political party for sexual intercourse. It's a disgrace!


All the women concerned in these allegations have said 'No' to his sexual advances and who can blame them either, I mean look at him! This great fat shit should consider himself lucky to even be able to speak English let alone attract women. What on earth is going on in his head. Doesn't he realise that some women have taste?

Abraham Lincoln: best actor

Lincoln's Portayal of Lewis

Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln for winning the Oscar for best actor in his role as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Apparently, this is the third time that Abraham Day-Lincoln has won an Oscar, something that has never been done before by a former President of the United States of America.

Lincoln’s performance as Day-Lewis, a character actor from Sidcup, shone through as the performance to beat. The film started with Night-Lewis’ life when he went into business as the owner of a very nice laundrette in Birmingham in 1978.

Milan, Italy: Fascism Week

Incontinent

Italy is an oddball don cha know! Although the last World War ended a few weeks ago the people of Milan hold a festival every now and then and call it Fascism Week.

The week consists of very well dressed and in some cases very bizarrely dressed fascionisti walking up and down a long plank of wood with very serious countenances.

These individuals typically consist of a lot of Nancy-Boys and Girls, all of whom are either  ill, thin or judging from the way they walk, appear to be suffering from gastro-intestinal complications, such as piles or hemorrhoids, diarrhoea, constipation, worms or have an implement such as a bicycle pump or suppository stuck up their backsides. Failing all that they have all shat in their undergarments. What a ghastly shower!

While this poncing about on planks of wood is all very well one doesn't exactly see what on earth this has to do with Fascism. Although the Fascists of 70 to 80 years ago had very smart uniforms and all that sort of thing one can't help but feel something went wrong somewhere. The fascists I mowed down all those years ago were are fit and  healthy lot with an appetite for a good ole scrap! 

This lot of pooves, on the other hand, couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. I mean can you imagine having to go into battle with these incontinents on your side? Of course not! 

If this lot want to walk along a plank then I recommend they do just that, only on one that is tied to the side of ship.

Rihanna: Start Violence Against Idiotic Men!

That's Right, Throttle him!!!

Just been reading about some bint called Rihanna. Apparently she and her last boyfriend, a violent man called Chris Brown.

Anyway Brown and Rihanna split up a while ago because he beat her up in a fit of mad passion according to her and then she left him. Her photographs were all over the newspapers and what have you with bruises and cuts and all that sort of thing.

What gets me is that in this last fortnight there has been a global campaign to end violence against women, yet in the same time she chooses to get back with Brown as she feels as though he is completely misunderstood.

And she is right... she has completely misunderstood him. You can't go around hitting people willy-nilly! What sort of society is it that tolerates that sort of nonsense? And who is she to tolerate that sort of nonsense too. 

If there is to be a global campaign to stop violence against women then at least those in the upper eschealons of the media world can set and example and join in! It's a disgrace!

There is only one thing to do with women like this, slap em around! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Oscar Pistorius: The Trial

Oscar Pissedasafarticus with Guitar

Just heard the charges brought against Oscar Pistorius.

The clown has been charged with shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp dead. 

In his defence Pissedonabus claims that he heard a burglar in the house, shot first then asked questions, simple really.

However, the neighbours story is entirely different. They claim to have heard shouting between Pissedoffruis and Steenkamp, followed by gunshots.

Now I don't know about you but people shouting their heads off followed by gunshots equals a pretty sticky situation. It is impossible to make any claims at this juncture but one thinks this is a clearly a case of 'Leg Envy.' I mean have you seen hers? They are just the ticket if you ask me.

If Oscar Pissedasafarticus thinks he can get away with this then he has another thing coming, for me the odds are stacked against him. The fool clearly hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius: The Truth

Nice Legs, better than his

Just been reading about the bokker Oscar Pistorius.

Apparently the damn fool went and shot his girlfriend dead on Valentines day. Well that's not very romantic is it? One usually takes one of one's girlfriends to a restaurant or hiking in the countryside. What kind of a man does he think he is?

One can imagine that the answer to that question is 'not much.' Which incidently, is exactly what you can say about the fellow anyway. 

Valentine's Day Bandwagon

Valentine's Day Abomination!

Good God Look at this shit! Is this what passes as a Valentines day message of love, mutual understand, trust and all that crap? 

These Valentine's Day Cards are a disgrace and I'll tell you why. It's because they cost 70p for a pack of ten. 

Well what is the point of buying ten Valentine's Day Cards? I mean one only has four girlfriends so the other six are a complete waste of money! 

Alien Abduction!

Vomit

Had the fright of my life last night when I was abducted by spacemen.

One has read about this sort of thing happening to plebes, scum, trailer trash, poor people and fools but one had dismissed it as hogwash. The product of delusion, mistaken identity or idiocy but not any longer no sir by Jimeny it is true.

One was terrified! So what happened? Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?

Then as one was walking back to the estate one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase as the old legs suddenly gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.

And that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact direction of the road. Then two bright blue lights just above those started flashing and rotating. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like woooowwwww.

One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I tried to shout at them ’get lost filth I know where you live’ but it came out all slurred and unintelligible as these alien trash were obviously tying to hypnotise me!

I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up off the floor whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonnafuk indoyouover atthe stashun cahnt’

One then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer.

Then everything went dark and the next thing I knew I was lying in the ditch just outside the police station covered in bruises where I had obviously fought off the alien attack! It was a good thing the filth.. err sorry the police were close at hand to fend these beings off otherwise God knows what would have happened!

Downton Abbey: The Truth

Only sort of language servants understand

Just witnessed ’Downton Abbey’ an independent television production concerning the goings on of one of the lesser classes in a tiny country house circa 1930s Britain.

Apparently the production values of the series have attempted to mirror in detail the exact feeling, lifestyle and attitudes of that era in order to show people of today what yesteryear was like.

Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.

Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.

The Philadelphia Experiment: Conspiracy Theory

Proof: Real Photo of Invisible Destroyer

Just been reading about something called ’The Philadelphia Experiment' Sometimes known as [Project Rainbow' this is a conspiracy theory that simply can not go away.

Apparently, at the time of the end of the Second World War some American jonnies invented a story based around an actual Navy destroyer called the USS Eldridge.

Hitchcock: Film Review

Hitchcock Plays Hopkins Perfectly

Just Seen an advanced screening of the film ’Hitchcock’ in which Alfred Hitchcock portrays the famous actor Anthony Hopkins.

The film focuses on Hopkins’ role he played, so superbly, as Hannibal Lector in the film ’The Psycho of the Lambs’

Hitchcock plays Anthony Hopkins almost perfectly and there were times when I was convinced that I was actually looking at Anthony Hopkins doing a ridiculous impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock but no!

Anthony Perkins portrays Helen Mirren perfectly in the supporting role of Anthony Hopkins’ wife, Trixabel.

Transvestite's Tights

Urinals

What in Bonaparte’s balls is mankind coming to? Was in a trendy left wing bar last night in a popular part of The Metropol with nephew ’Fruity’ Ware-Armitage. He was showing off his bit of leggy totty called Trixi.

Anyway one had a call from nature, so one trotted off to the little boys room to do some quantitative easing.

Whilst sitting on the kharzi one could hear people chatting on the other side of the door. However, all one could discern were the voices of women? What were women doing in the little boys room one wondered?

After exiting (and one doesn’t mean finished shitting one means leaving the cubicle in which the latrine was housed) one was shocked to see three women standing around gossiping right by the hand basins.

One politely explained that they were in the wrong place to which the big bosomed one said ’i don’t think so big boy.’ I pointing to the urinals and said ’you are hardly likely to need one of those my dear.’ The three women then walked, simultaneously over to the urinals a got their wedding tackle out! They weren't women at all they were chaps! Worse than that one had actually fancied the big bosomed one! Thought I was going to vomit!

It’s a disgrace! What the hell is the matter with people? You can't have ladies walking around with wedding tackle hanging about all willy-nilly all over the place! I don’t want those people passing water where I pass mine and I certainly don’t want to shit where they've shat!

One supposes that the ladies won't want that sort in their latrines either. So where can these people deposit their waste matter? Well one suggests some kind of lavatorial deliniation! New signs will be needed in addition to; ’LADIES’ and ’GENTS,’ something like ’UNDECIDED.’

I say these people should have had their own latrines in which they could have shat their shit into.

New Year Resolution

Having just recovered from the New Year festivities at Lady Fiddlescomb-Partridges Estate. One realises that one should attempt to make some kind of effort with a new year resolution. One is not prone to this sort of wishy-washy pseudo-socialist clap-trap but one does have things that need to be addressed sooner or later so why not give it a whirl.

Those Resolutions in Full;

1) The Strike, it has been about a year now and things are getting done around the estate and it's starting to look a complete shower. So my resolution is to break those perishers one way or another, never give in to bastard striking servants!

2) Money, need to make a few savings here and there so there will be more visits to the pub to use the toilets,

3) Work, need to give oneself a payrise from Ware-Armitage Motors. This is easily done by sacking a few of the numpties

4) Start writing my memoirs. This is going to be a winner entitled 'All the Filth in the World at MY Door'

5) Health, hmm yes as one gets older one needs to be aware of ones increasing frailties. Therefore I will be hiring a personal coach to run around the estate at least twice a week.

6) Relationships, this is important, one desires to be finally rid of the ex-wives, let's hope nothing too trivial happens to them this year hey ha ha.

7) Finally must have shot at least 250-260 animals last year and one feels some guilt about this, espcially what with the current attitudes towards animal welfare one should at least make an effort on this issue. So this year let's aim for at least 450. That should get the bunny-huggers in a huff

Eastmas? Christer? What's going on?

Egads man one was in the blasted supermarket this morning, laughing at 'Le Grande Levee' and also reminiscing about when the servants used to do this sort of thing, when I saw that they had blasted hot crossed buns and cream eggs for sale!

What is that all about? Those things are for Easter are they not? Easter is bloody miles away! Can't they give it while before selling this kind of thing? I mean one hasn't even finished eating one's mince pies yet.

This is typical of The Church trying to cash in on the post Christmas fervour and promoting their religious fanaticism for when Easter comes along, where we celebrate St Cadbury and his followers St Schweppes and St Gin and a few others and we all drink Tonic Water or something like that.

Well one isn't buying into it! I haven't even recovered from my blasted New Year's hangover yet! These people make me sick! These's only one thing to do with that sort, nail them all to posts! That's the only sort of language they understand.

Cure for a Hangover

Hangover Victim

Just awoken from my New Year Eve celebration. My God that was a blaster of a function. Lady Dooms-Patterson certainly knows how to throw a soiree at short notice don cha know. 

But that was six days ago now one has to deal with this stinker of a hangover. Now there are many remedies for a hangover including, orange juice or a cola beverage. Some suggest hair of the dog, but I've never understood that stupid expression even if it does relate to continuing to drink once one has awoken.