Global Warming...? Global Farting!

Vanessa Feltz

Just been reading up on a theory about dinosaurs and global warming. Apparently the blighters gassed themselves all to death by billowing out billions of tons of methane.

The scientists based their theory on the methane producing capacity your common or garden cow.

Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela

One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 
Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.

How To End Ivory Poaching.

Ivory Trade. Burning Ivory Doesn't Stop This Business

See this photograph? Do you see it? Well this is a consequence of the Ivory Trade.

A ghastly business that causes much trouble around the world's more disappointing countries where, coincidently, a lot of elephants live.

Hats Orff...

Good God what the bloody hell is going on!?

I've seen some damn fool things in my time but this marks the beginning of the end. What was this individual thinking? They must be on drugs or worse still, blended scotch!

And just look at the colour of that material. I wouldn't be seen dead in it. It's a cross between pink lavatory paper and 50,000 volts through a person's wedding tackle! It's a disgrace!

Bell: My New Butler

Bell the Butler

Excellent news. That blasted servants strike may soon be over. 

I thought I'd almost lost it when Courtney passed away last year but odds bodkins the other day I solicited the services of a new man called Bell. (see photograph courtesy of Hanson Leatherby)

Anyway, Bell the butler has proved himself to be of great worth and knows his place. And he doesn't flinch at all, for example, last Sunday I thought I would test him out by getting Great Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage to telephone me. Then I would say 'Is that the phone bell' Ha hahah Geddit? Yes? No? and then 'Is that the door bell' Geddit? Ha ha I've still got the old wit don cha know. He didn't even bat an eyelid when I threatened to defenestrate him for leaving the window open.

Channel Tunnel: Complete Disaster!

Foreigner Getting on a Bus

Just been reading about a spat between The Channel Tunnel Consortium and those fellows at the EU. 

Apparently the EU are up in arms about the cost of the fares that the Channel Tunnel Consortium are charging.

The tunnel itself was opened in 1994 after ten thousand years of construction delays and all that sort of thing. It was supposed to facilitate a faster way to traverse the English Channel as opposed to the slow, stinking, latrine of a ferry full of Gypsies, Pagan Swine, manure and other types of people.

S.P.W.A. is a Patron of Charity

Unphoto-shopped brat in street

As one gets older one finds that one puts the world around one in a greater context and realises that there is more to life than resenting having to pay servants, (Assuming they even at least try to do a bit of blasted work that is.)

To this end one has decided to sponsor a charity for the purposes of feeding lower orders around the world. Typically the particular lower order is the one that is too disorganised to get the shopping in, afford servants, eat with a knife and fork and all that sort of thing. I mean look at this completely genuine, unphoto-shopped photograph of a poor little beggar whose handwriting is nothing like mine.

S.P.W.A. & Lord Lucan: Conspiracy Theory

I Was Somewhere Else

Just writing about my good friend that man John Bingham 7th Earl of Lucan or Lord Lucan as he is more popularly known in the lying press.

Lord Lucan or 'Bingy-Boo' as we called him disappeared in November 1974 after the press told everybody he had only he had murdered a servant (allegedly.)

I just want to say here that I was not the one that was with him in that Ford Corsair that drove down to Newhaven. Not that anybody saw two people in a car of that description of course but um... if there were two people in a car of that description then I was not the one in the back seat. 

Apple iPad Air: Review

Throw an Apple Today

Right then! Those jonnies at Apple Inc have done the right thing and given me one of their things called an iPad Air to review. You may recall that I reviewed one of their earlier models a while back. 

Well as I said this new one is called the iPad Air. Bit of a silly name if you ask me however, we all find air in tonic water and we find tonic water in Gin so I think I can see where they are going with this and their next models but I digress. 

The iPad Air is lighter and slimmer than the previous one which means it is easier to transport around and not such a strain on one's  hand and wrist. This has both pros and cons for me and my relationship with my servants if ever they come off that blasted strike.

Real Cause of Climate Change: The Truth.

Bloody Weather

Just been reading on wikipedia and also BBC Radio 4 about the causes of climate change. The Radio programme had both sides of the argument making pertinent points and giving credible evidence to promote their ideas. 

On the one hand the pro-climate change lobby showed that the current change in global temperatures is due to mankind, which incidently is predominately people of the working classes so it is their fault.

Assisted Suicide, Stephen Hawking & One's Own Experience

Just been reading an article on the BBC website about a science boffin called Stephen Hawking who thinks that helping people to kill themselves is morally acceptable. This is more commonly known as 'Assisted Suicide' 

Hawking was partially spurned to write this as his own condition is not all that tickety-boo from having sat idly in a chair all his life. One is not too happy-go-lucky about this subject feeling that life is for living and that any chance a person has of keeping hold of it should be embraced and all that sort of thing.

European Union: Membership Conditions

Order to the Galaxy Europe

One doesn't often delve into the world of politics as there is simply more money to be made selling weapons.  Nevertheless one likes to think that one is open-minded enough to not entirely discount political issues as piles of tish.

The European Union, for instance. Should we be in or out? Well in the current state of this bastion for all things homogenised and rendered virtually irrelevant as a result of decisions made by committees, one is inclinded to say out.

Apple iOS 7, Update: Review

iOS 7 Update: Review

Just had the Apple iOS 7 update downloaded onto my telephone.

This is the new operating system that the boffins at the Apple corporation have been touting as a revolutionary change from the past. They have been publicising this for months now and have finally released it.

Stephen Hawking: Arse in Space

Drunkard

One has just been reading about that boffin called Stephen Hawking who has been talking about assisted suicide. 

The man thinks that it is OK to help ill people end their lives if they are going to kick the bucket with no prospect of recovery.

Proud to be British

Pride in Britain

Oh the blasted Press are at it again. Not content with having absolutely bugger all to write about since getting a lashing from Lord Leveson's Public Enquiry they are doing their usual fall back position and bringing up the war again under the mistaken belief that we won it!

Well let me tell you something, we didn't win that war! We damn well got thrashed! Everybody thinks we won it but, by Jove's jockstrap we had our sorry arses hauled from one end the world to the other.
The cover story that we beat Herr Hitler and his National Socialist nincompoops was all very well and everyone swallowed it up wholeheartedly.

Conflict in Syria: No Chemicals Used

Anniston: using Ware-Armitage cleaning products

Having sold weapons to both sides in the current conflict in Syria from day one of this civil war I  can safely say that no chemical weapons have been

Admiral Nelson Mandela: Discharge

Discharge

Just heard on the wireless that Admiral Nelson Mandela has been sent home following his discharge from hospital. 

This is disgusting! I don't know about you but whenever I discharge anything I want to throw it away and be done with. Blow my nose, wipe my huge, hairy, malodorous backside, vomit and stuff from other parts of the body

Seamus Heaney: An Obituary and Tribute

Rusty Bike

One has just heard about the death of an Irish poet called Seamus Heaney. Poets are very nice and all that sort of thing but poetry is very easy don cha know so I can't see what all the fuss is about.

Anyway, one realises that Seamus Heanous was a very popular poet and influcenced many people with his literary witticisms and ability to make things rhyme. But ultimately this is all a load of overblown fuss, storm in a teacup and all that.
 
Nevertheless, occasions like these warrant some kind of dedication to the man for providing much happiness to people especially his literary agent who made a fortune promoting Seamus' work.

So to that end I thought I would throw my lot in and pen a poetic ditty to the man, to not only encapsulate the essence of his life but to try to evoke the passion and spirit that he conveyed as he

Badger Cull in England

Cull: Another One Bites the Dust

Just been reading all the hoo-haa surrounding  the government cull that started just a few days ago.

The cull itself is for the purposes of preventing the spread of T.B. in cattle and maybe a few other dreadful little nasties throughout the rest of the countryside.

The disease T.B. is an airborne one and cattle catch it simply by breathing in the bacteria. Once they have got it they suffer a slow and agonising death and it is only in the best interests of the beasties if the farmer puts a bullet through their heads! 

Culling the disease by killing its host carrier, claim farmers,

NSA, Prism, Edward Snowden and Jennifer Aniston

Aniston

Just been reading about the complete farce of the PRISM scandal over in the United States of America. Apparently the boffins in charge over there are so paranoid about security issues and people trying to attack the place that they felt it would be a good idea to start eavesdropping on what people were saying to each other and that includes Miss Jennifer Aniston.

There was a small problem though, the  N.S.A. had,  (National Security Agency is a body designated by former President George W.C. Bush to protect the American people including Miss Jennifer Aniston  from a handful of loons on the other side of the planet who have killed less American people than Americans that die from Obesity related issues per month) They didn't know precisely whom to monitor. So with the help of several projects called PRISM,

Sasquatch? Bigfoot? Big-shit more like!

Discharge

Just look at this video just take a look at it. It's by a chappie called M.K.Davis from the former colonies. In essence it is an analysis of a piece of footage taken in 1967 by two men called Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin. These two fellows claim that the footage is of a legendary creature that the locals call Bigfoot or Sasquatch.

This creature has large burly muscles, walks around with no clothes on, smells completely foul,  lives in caves or under sticks, walks around in the forests all day and doesn't speak very good English.

According to scientists the creature is purely a legend but one has to say this is not true as one has personally shot and killed

Anti-LGBT laws in Russia

LGBT acts banned from Restaurants

Having been force-fed LGBT matters down one's throat over the last 20 years one feels that one should bally-well write something about it.  One is in favour of equality and all that sort of thing but recent events in Russia have caused uproar around the world.

Personally, one thinks that the Russians are taking this matter all the wrong way and that their legislature and President Mr Vladimir Putin have a lot to answer for!

For example, it is now illegal for people under the age of 18 years to see material concerning LGBT issues. Furthermore, it is an offence for anyone under 21 to partake in LGBT acts! The country has gone back to the Stalin era! It's a disgrace

I mean  why youngsters should be prevented from this sort of activity in the school dining room is completely beyond me? Also they are prevented from reading and partaking in this sort of thing in public restaurants too! What kind of a society do they have there? 

Cyber-Bullying

Seems to me that the latest hullabaloo the press have got their claws into is cyber-bullying!

Well despite the press being a motley collection of arses they appear to have got something right for a change.

Cyber-bullying is a modern phenomenon whereby a youngster connects to a social web site of some description and converses with complete strangers. The strangers, after offering endless platitudes to their victim, then start to hurl abusive comments and suggestions to their victim that they should consider ending their own lives. 

This is pitiful! Just what in God's name is wrong with these people?  They are an absolute shower. One can scarcely contain one's disgust at this outrage! I have only one thing to say to these people! Bloody well stand up for yourselves!

If you are going to end it all just because some bufoon calls you an oik then you might as well go and hang yourself!! The damn lot of you. You're probably ugly as well and your mummy shits in plastic supermarket bags. If you people weren't so damn obese you would be able to get out of the blasted bedroom and go out and do a bit of exercise instead of lounging around on your great arses wallowing in your own blubber.

As I see it the best way to put an end to cyber bullying is for you weaklings to go outside, find a nice quiet spot in a forest and then put a bullet through you head. Hell is waiting for you you ugly, B.O. ridden, incontinent, bedragglehorn. If you're too much of a coward to do it yourself then send me your details and I'll send the boys round to ....

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Adele: Not a Fat Cow!

Not Half a Ton

Just been reading about a popular singer called Adele. Aside from the fact that she also has here own brand of personal computers she apparently also has a very good singing voice. Now this is all tickety-boo but the media, as usual, appear to have a problem with her weight.

In fact the blasted media seem to have a problem with everybody's weight. Apparently, one must be the perfect weight because one never finds oneself in the newspapers or silly magazines in reference to this matter. But one digresses.

In an interview with 'Marie Curie' magazine Adele put the entire matter of her size to rest by saying simply  

'I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears.'

Trayvon, Zimmerman, Dooley & James. Legal Clarity in the USA

Guess I must have done it!

One likes clarity in all sorts of things, for example whether to shoot animals or not to shoot animals. To eat Beef Wellington or to not Beef Wellington etc. As far as one is concerned clarity extends to the law of the land too but in this country one finds it all double-dutch. 

However, those forever innovative Johnnies in the United States of America and particularly the Southern State of Floride which is named  after a toothpaste ingredient. The Floridians have sought to make their laws tip-top transparent for everyone to see and understand. 

In particular the recent George Zimmerman case saw the man let off despite shooting a Black American teenage boy called Trayvon Martin, whom was unarmed despite Zimmerman, claiming that the boy was. Zimmerman, a chappie of Hispanic origins, although why that would be with a German name of Zimmerman, claimed self-defence.

Guess the Other Guy Did it

Then the following week another case in which a Black Jamaican chappie called Trevor Dooley, although why he is Jamiacan with an Irish name is also beyond me, also in the state of Floride was found guilty of killing his neighbour a Mr David James in a dispute over a skateboard despite claiming self defence. Hmmmm...

Upon reviewing both these cases it seems to me that the legal system in the State of Floride has been simplified and clarified so no person living there can construe its legal system with the slightest ambiguity:

• If you're white you're innocent
• If you're black you're guilty

One knows one is a bigoted old fart that doesn't give a monkey's arse about anyone but even these two cases take the biscuit! One supposes that it is not called Disneyland for nothing.

Ivory Coast Prison Solutions

Prison Barge

Just been reading about a ghastly little prison riot in the town of Abidjan on the Ivory Coast. The prison houses some of the Ivory Coast's most lethal little shits the country has every produced.

Their notoriety was compounded and exacerbated by the civil war there are few years ago in 2011 in which only two or three British people had to leave their premises for the United Kingdom. Thousands of local people were also killed. 

So the prison is home to many of those accused of war crimes, indeed former President Gbagbo Baggins and his wife were even there at one point before being carted off to the Hague in Holland for crimes against Huge Manatees. Strange, I thought Manatees lived in the New World! So anyway the riots are being conducted by inmates and some of them have been killed.

Well it's just not good enough!! You need to show this complete shower of individuals who is in charge by taking charge! You can't ask em politely to pull themselves together and snap out of it! These people are sick.

So my remedy is quite simple. First thing close the prison down. Then move all the inmates, pronto, to a new facility. This can easily be done sharpish by putting them all on a prison ship there are many of them available, for instance I saw one in a documentary on the telly the other day. It was very large, had lots of space, could even fly and it was called Battlestar Galactica. Once on board, give the prisoners some decent nosh and something to do and that'll soon have em quietening down. 

Then, when the ship is full with this detritus criminal scum you can move on to the next stage. For me this is the most important part but there is the problem of not only how to sink it but also where. Sink it wrongly and you may only capsize the damn thing leaving some of the inmates alive. Then even if you do sink it properly you may sever an oil pipeline or a telegraph cable.

Abu Sakkar: Cannibal and Animal?

Sakkar

Just been reading about a chappie called Abu Sakkar. This man, like so many others is involved in the current ghastly little war in Syria.

This war is one of those civil wars which by their very nature are nasty little blazers that put father against son, neighbour against neighbour, restaurant manager against restaurant manager and generally everybody against everybody else.

Anyway this one in Syria has been ongoing for the last two years or something like that and it is the first full scale civil war that can be watched on youtube, internet and all that sort of thing.

Anyway this Abu Sakkar has proved himself to be a nasty, savage fellow of the lowest possible moral declination because he cut out the heart of one of his foes and then proceeded to eat it! I mean can you imagine that!? It’s a disgrace! What kind of man is that? This is inhuman! I can scarcely contain my abhorrence a moment longer and The Lord alone knows what Miss Jennifer Aniston thinks about this!! She must be horrified!! 

Aniston: Horrified

I mean even when my regiment was involved in the Mau Mau uprising at our lowest ebb we didn’t stoop this low with our captured foes. No Sir by Jimeny we did not!

No what we did was to lightly sauté the heart first in a flavoured butter and serve it in a nice white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic, all washed down with a crisp, clean and if I may say a rather fruity little Jean-Marc Brocard Chablis Vau de Vey 1937.

Bird Flu 'H5N1': Conspiracy Theory

Bird Flu

Just been reading about that alleged Bird Flu Virus called H5-N1. Apparently it has passed but a new strain, called H7-N1 is on its way and some boffins are concerned that it is going to bring about the destruction of mankind.

Now some people think that that's a bad thing, others may quite like the idea, I don't know. So don't bally-well come to me asking for an answer on that one. Anyway, one decided to familiarise oneself with current goings on about the subject and looked at a documentary about the thing last night with a bottle of shabbers to accompany one whilst inwardly digesting the arguments. By the time the documentary was over one was able to conclude that the whole thing is a load of tosh.

H5 N1

I mean this H5-N1 isn't even a virus. It's a silly little, dustbin shaped robot that goes 'beep boop waaa waaah' every now and then. How can it possibly bring about the destruction of mankind? Even it's friend, another silly nancy-boy of a Robot called C3-P0 is completely incapable of doing anything remotely destructive.

This is one of the worst conspiracy theories I have ever encountered. I could have shat a better theory than this and with my eyes closed too.

S.P.W.A: Life and Afterlife

Legacy

As one gets on a bit one has to start thinking about how one is going to leave this earth, what to leave to whom and also one's legacy. 

Whilst a trifle morbid these things are a fact of life and one has to find a way to come to terms with how much of a loss one will be to everyone once one has gone. To pass away peacefully with serenity and tranquility is much desired and is also a way for those close to one to come to terms with the moment of passing. Indeed some set aside some finances to help with a charitable fund of some nature or install a bench in a local park for others to sit and ponder life's meaning.

Well not me! When I die I'm going to take as many people with me as I can. Why should I be the one to die? I've paid my blasted taxes to the blasted Government for my whole blasted life so they can jolly well get their act together and find a blasted cure. I didn't drop bombs on working class people in the East End during the war only to leave this planet with the job undone.

No if I die then the blasted servants will be coming with me for a start! I've had to pay their wages for years! And that strike their on, now is in it's second year, well, they won't have anyone to pay em anything if I snuff it tomorrow!  And then there is that rotter of a son of mine Cuthbert Ware-Armitage. That perishing little shit has been extracting money from me since the day he was born and I'm damn well going to see to it that he doesn't get a penny after I've gone.

In fact I've left instructions that if I die then all my money is to be burned and all my property blown up so nobody can get a hold of it, especially the government! Then all my land is to be napalmed, sprayed with Agent Orange and then dug up and dumped in the sea. Nobody's getting a thing out of me!

And then I've ordered all the people responsible for burning my cash and blowing up my property to be shot. And then to have those people shot too. And then have their houses and streets bombed and erased from the face of the...


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Trenton Oldfield: Cart him off!

Tubular Balls

Just heard on the wireless about Trenton Oldfield, The activist who produced a terrible album, called 'Tubular Balls' in the early 1970's in protest at government cuts and Prime Minister Edward Heath's stupid laugh.

The man swam out into the middle of the river Thames and started playing some Tubular Bells during the Oxford and Cambrige boat race.

And that was it! For this act of protest he has been ordered to leave the country. It's a disgrace!! I mean people like Abu Hamza are responsible for planning horrible deaths in this country and they gets to stay. Not to mention Simon Cowell and Les Dennis! At least Piers Morgan left on his own accord.

I had twenty guineas on Cambridge to win that race and I came away with nothing! Didn't even get my original stake back as the wretched bookies told me that it was all null and void. 

This is all because of Trenton Oldfield! People like him make me want to vomit! Well I think we should throw the book at this sort of individual and punished him properly. I mean really make him regret it, send him somewhere where he won't see his friends nor family for years

That's right put him on a boat and cart him off to Australia. That's the only sort of language his type understand.

Silvio Berlusconi:

Berlusconi

Just been reading about Silvio Berlusconi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.

This time round he failed to make it as Prime Minister, thus making himself vulnerable to arrest and imprisonment, despite being convicted of numerous crimes.

At present he has twenty pending cases against him all of which carry custodial sentances. 

To date, this is what some of the  things this fellow has been up to;

Chris Hadfield: Porno Star?

Moustache

Odds Bodkins it's that crashing bore of an Astronaut again. I've dealt with this person in a previous post.

It isn't enough that he has to hover around in space all day making videos of himself singing songs and posing in front of space ships oh no sir!

No just orbiting the world isn't enough for this man no sir by Jimeny it is not! The fellow now feels as if he has to announce his retirement to the world as well. Next thing you know he'll be making videos of himself passing water or blowing off for the world to see. Thinks he's the bees knees just because he has been to the stars!

Well if you ask me the only stars this man is good for are porno stars! I mean just look at him! That moustache serves only one purpose, it's a porno moustache! Can't use it for anything else! This whole Astronaut jiggery-pokery was a front so Hadfield could get a shoe horn in to the pornography industry. It's a disgrace!

I mean in space a proper astronaut would have a handle-bar moustache for something to hold on to! You can’t float around up their without handles!

Porno

It's all down to pornography and not just for Hadfield! All the other Silly Billys floating around up there with nothing to do except gawp out of the windows and sing silly songs are in to it as well don cha know! Well why don't they just get on with it and get their clothes off and get it all over with instead of fart-arsing about pretending to want to be astronauts. Blasted layabouts or should that be floatabouts?

S.P.W.A. and the Work/Life Balance

One understands the importance of an all round Work/Life balance and that is why one has been a strong advocate of all this sort of thing all ones life.

For one, a work life imbalance proves very difficult to sustain on a long term basis. I mean one has just to look at ones family life and the stress it can play with the wife and even the girlfriends too if you let it get out of control. Also the imbalance lead to many problems with ones own ghastly children and relatives in general.

And because of this work started to become affected too. In general one feels that a Work/Life imbalance is important for all and sundry.

So the first thing one did was to reduce ones hours per week from as much as 60 down to 30 hours per week down the pub. Also one decided to reduce the amount of Gala Luncheons one attended from five per month down to two per week. One was also able to make other improvements; to spend more time at the family villa in Tuscany while the family stayed in Chalfont-St-Peter. More time with the children was also facilitated and one was able to hire another nanny for them to play with. 

Of course some sacrifices were needed in order for a complete balance and to help pay the extra nanny one sacked  few dozen staff and managers at Ware-Armitage Motors and The Ware-Armitage Munitions factory whilst instructing the others to work more hours for less money and all that sort of thing.

Anyway, since instigating a better Work/Life balance one has felt much more at peace and is able to sleep much better, appreciate life more and at the same time have a little extra cash due to the sackings. Ones mind is at peace.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield: Commander?

Man in Command

Just seen a video of Commander Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s number one hit song entitled ‘Space Oddity’ on the International Space Station.

In it we see numerous shots of planet earth in all it’s resplendent glory, the moon, the International Space Station, from both inside and out, while Hadfield sings his merry ditty. On one occasion the man even seems to shed a tear.

Well these are not the attributes of a Commander if you ask me, they are more like the attributes of a Silly Billy! When I was in the Durham Light Infantry my Commander, Uncle 'Slasher' Ware-Armtage would get through at least two proles per day and that was of his own men! Now that’s what I call a commander!

I mean how many people had this Hadfield man shot on this mission? None! In my day a good mission wasn’t a good mission until we had lost at least half of the platoon, not prancing around weightlessly singing songs from popular culture! It’s a disgrace!

And as for singing, well the only songs we were allowed to sing were Colonel Bogey and God save the Queen. None of this namby-pamby wuss-encrusted pish-posh from this ill-moustachioed weightless ponce!

Gone are the days when a real commander would strap innocent men to the end of a cannon and blast their sorry entrails across vast swathes of occupied territory with impugnity. Gone are the days when we could strap high explosives to people's dogs, let them go, wait until the animal got back into its home and then detonate the lot, sending the occupants into oblivion! Gone are the days when we could shoot a man from afar, wait until a crowd had gathered around him to see if the chap was alright and then we would open up on them with the flame throwers. Gone are the days when a....


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Mission to Mars?

Roger Moore in Space? As much as possible....

Just been reading about ‘The Space-X’ project based in the Netherlands, where everybody takes drugs.

‘The Space-X’ project is proposing a manned mission to the planet Mars with the aim of establishing a permanent manned base there before the year 2023. All the boffins at ‘Space X’ claim that everything is readily available for this mission to Mars except the money.

They propose raising the money by turning the entire project into a sort of Reality TV show whereby the astronauts would be filmed continually. People would have to subscribe to the channel and this, coupled with advertising, would ensure funding for the mission.

This idea is poppycock!! It’s ridiculous! What would people be subscribing to see? Two remedials farting about in a small base on the planet Mars and occasionally stepping outside to fiddle with some equipment. It would be as dull as ditch water. People wouldn’t subscribe to that for any longer than is necessary, no Sir they would not.

But by Jimeny I have the answer! I know how to get millions of people to subscribe and not just for a few weeks no Sir!! This would be a long-term subscription that everyone would willingly subscribe to and for a premium price too! So what is the answer? Well I’ll tell you what the answer is.

It’s easy, simply turn the entire project into a pornographic channel. They’d make a fortune! Instead of calling it ‘Space-X’ I propose changing it to ‘Space-XXX’ This is a winner. People would subscribe to it on lift off just in time to see weightless porn all the way to Mars and then one-third gravity Porn when they get to the Red Planet itself.

I also propose a spacesuit for two people for Deep Space Porn and also Mars Surface Porn. Just think of the money! I think it’s a winner myself. Of course when things get dull ‘Space-XXX’ can always send some cattle up there too; You know what some people are like these days, can come up with the most bizarre of notions!

Unfair Trade Produce

Extortion

Thought I would do a bit of a good deed this morning so I went and chose to buy some Fair Trade coffee and tea from one of those ghastly prole-holes called ‘A Supermarket’

Got home and looked at the receipt just to make sure it all totted up nicely, you know how it is, 'look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.'

Anyway, when comparing  The Fair Trade good's prices with the normal prices for the equivalent product one noticed that the Fair Trade goods were approximately double what I